ME:John’s coming over for dinner.
WIFE:Work John or Been to Europe John?
JOHN:*from outside* This door reminds me of one I saw in England.
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guys are so hard to buy for
like what do they like besides other girl’s pictures??
Too many catfish out there. Verify your identity by posting yourself holding a spoon. I’ll go first
My wife didn’t cover her yawn so I opened my mouth too and I totally won the silent screaming contest.
I’ve got chicken fingers and a McRib, a few more parts and my monster will be complete.
me: it was my first day in prison, so I went up to the biggest, scariest guy and punched him
St. Peter: then what happened
Sister: And you definitely know how to do this sawing trick?
Me: Yes of course I…oh no
Half sister: what
MEDICAL EXAMINER: According to the autopsy, the victim did not actually know karate
MY GHOST: noooooooo
The past couple of nights, I’ve been partying like it’s 1999. But it’s not 1999. It’s 2018, and my body is furious.
Me: My dad must be rolling in his grave right now.
Friend: Why, do you think he’d be disappointed in you?
Me: No. I had him buried in a cement mixer. It was way cheaper than a casket.
Think I pulled my liver
I’m not responsible for the things I say when you’re stupid.
Normally I’m a curmudgeon who doesn’t think young people have anything worthwhile to say, but then today a 20 year old changed my mind when she told me I looked 10 years younger than I am.
Ancient Man “let’s form a partnership”
Wolves “I dunno. We saw what you do to cows”
Man “Haha, you can trust us” *hides sketch of chihuahua*
Just turned a corner and bumped into a woman with drawn-on eyebrows.
I’m not sure which of us was more surprised.
STAGES OF HOTEL BUFFET BREAKFAST
1. Admire healthy selection of yoghurt and fruit
2. Start piece of toast in strange grill machine
3. Eat 19 rashers of bacon, 12 sausages and 2.3kg of scrambled egg
4. Toast burned, in bin
5. Eat 4 grapes and a piece of melon to be healthy
going to the bottom of the ocean anyone want anything
I once slowly roasted a Marshmallow over fire until the Michelin Man gave me some free tires.
I enjoy the outdoors when it stays outdoors.
Ate a bowl of Captain Crunch Berries this morning. With blatant disregard for the roof of my mouth.
-thug life
Do not ask me to cheer you up. I will take you to a bar and ruin both our lives
[bedtime]
Me: What’s in vegetable oil?
Daughter: Vegetables
M: And olive oil?
D: Olives
M: And baby oil?
D:
*I turn out the lights and leave
Finding $5 you didn’t know you had is awesome til you realize you’re 34, it’s 2011 & $5 won’t even buy enough gas to drive you off a cliff.
I asked my twins the best thing about turning 6 and my boy twin said “my hands growing bigger” and my girl twin said “I can drink wine now”
*my daughter sees multiple baskets of laundry by the washer, sighs and sets her basket down in front*
Me: All laundry will be washed in the order it is received. Thank you for holding.
My husband coughed and then I coughed from another room. This is our version of echolocation.
Welcome to your 40s: see that kid over there dressed up like a cop, he’s actually 27, and he is a cop.
Just because something’s vegan doesn’t mean it’s cruelty-free. For example, my ex-girlfriend
Every Crock-Pot recipe:
– throw in anything you have left in the house
– cook three to eleven hours.
Melted butter is an essential oil, right?…..right??