My neighbor’s dog is so popular that every time he barks, the neighborhood dogs RT him.
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Call me old fashioned, but that’s not my name and I absolutely will not respond to it.
Keep your friends zoned and your enemies zoneder
Please stay on the line. Your call is important to us. We think we might be in love with your call. We made your call a mix tape.
To whoever is going out with my ex, please step up your game because He is still texting me.
Me accepting an Oscar: and I’d like to thank the designer who made my beautiful gown: the 5 rats who live in the alley behind my house. Not magical rats that can talk or sing, just a normal regular buncha rats – STOP PLAYING THE MUSIC I’M NOT FINISHED
[My funeral]
Priest: Ashes to ashes dust to dust
*my casket is lowered into the McDonald’s ball pit*
Employee: *confused* Ronald really okayed this?
My husband washed my favorite sweatshirt (he’s so sweet) and I said please don’t put it in the dryer, it will shrink.
Husband, taking clothes out of the dryer an hour later, “Here’s your favorite sweatshirt I washed for you! It looks smaller though, weird.”
*first day as a cop*
What if they arrest me back
Sometimes, during the movie previews, I’ll turn to the stranger sitting next to me and whisper, “We should really go see that together.”
Dear Starbucks:
The pumpkins called. Even they think it’s too early.
if you aren’t someone the church would’ve killed 400 years ago are you even living?
In my house “no” means keep doing it till mom loses her shit.
Getting shit done. Was my response when my boss ask me what I’m doing. And now I’m sitting outside of H.R.
@Mardigroan @sofarrsogud If you own a coffee shop and aren’t having a July Froth sale, what are you even doing?
Ah yes, it’s that time of year where TurboTax threatens me to use their services, else they’ll bring me to financial ruin
Hey America! Flip a coin and elect an idiot already. You’ll hate him either way and I just want my friends back.
*puts on workout clothes*
*opens a jumbo size bag of Doritos*
Just saw a BMW double-parked at the grocery store. Nature is healing.
Twitter is an invention created by aliens so we don’t notice the period of time missing when they take us for experimentation.
Dating: OMG, his fingers just brushed against mine and I instantly have butterflies in my stomach.
Married: I swear, if even your stupid finger crosses onto my side of the bed at any point tonight, I’m going to break it.
Me: Going to the concert with my friends now
Wife: Say hi to everyone for me![Later]
Me *individually greeting 10,000 people* this is exhausting
You see two puppies.
“Awwwww!”
But they’re cannibal puppies!
“Ahhhhhhh!”
One puppy eats the other!
“Ewwwww!”
Then he takes a nap.
“Awwwww!”
Awwww, your kids sound like they are still adorable. My kids are teenagers. They make “yo mama” jokes and then look over at me nervously.
I was born in the wrong time period. I wasn’t meant to go to work every day. I was meant to get eaten by a predator
What, I’m Asian?
*slides off Uggs & infinity scarf inside Starbucks*
*buys a bonsai tree*
ate a tomato sandwich on the porch and watched some kids kick a can, if anyone wants anything from 1935
“I don’t want to sound ungrateful, Carl, but I think I’ll get the bus to work tomorrow”
First, there was Planking, then Owling and Milking, now there’s Harlem Shaking. If the next trend could be Thinking, that would be great.
Me: I have to fast for my bloodwork tomorrow. This is absolute torture. I feel weak already.
Husband: You’ve only been fasting for an hour. ONE HOUR!
My boss on Zoom: “Joe you been quiet today. Do you want to say anything?”
Me: “Betty White passed away so she could come back as Rihanna’s baby”
My boss: “Gang that’s my fault I should know better”