*kicks house door down* I SAID HAVE YOU ACCEPTED JESUS INTO YOUR LIFE?
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Guy who likes music
Hand a baby a fork and he looks like a young Poseidon.
[giving wedding toast for my cousin]
…and she’s like the cool, pretty sister I always wished I‘d had—
My actual sister also attending the wedding: HEY.
My 8 year old son got a Wonka Bar for Christmas. His friend said that he didn’t know they sold them in real life & my son said of course they Oompa loompa doompety doo.
In high school I wasn’t quite able to talk myself into joining the debating team.
who called it carrying your cell phone in your front pocket instead of hot signals in your area
The cashier told me to have a good New Year like my purchase of oven cleaner and frozen pizza suggests anything else.
Me: Get in the kitchen and make me a sandwich.
Dog:
Me: No? Nothing? I don’t get it. You learned “sit” in like ten minutes.
At a doctor appointment:
“Step up on the scale”
Jokingly, “Do I have to?”
“No.”
“WHAT?!?!”HOW HAVE I GONE THIS LONG WITHOUT KNOWING THIS WAS AN OPTION?!
Can’t, I’m still folding up this CVS receipt.
“Who’re you?”
“I’m sorry, but Who’re isn’t actually an accepted word, you meant to sa-”
” I meant to say who’re, because you’re a who’re.”
If a sister is a nun then a brother is a bun this makes zero sense aaand send
good morning, this is your captain speaking. my parents made sure that from a young age i understood that there are things worse than death.
5-year-old: *spreads arms wide* I love you this much.
Me: Aw.
5: *spreads arms even wider* But I’d love you this much if we had a pool.
The best part about putting your cat on a diet is the frequent wake up calls every couple of hours starting around 2am 🙃
“Boo!” — cow with a cold
-Writing a parenting book.
-Calling it ” I’m going to give you a good reason to cry.”
Naming my daughter “A Relationship” so I don’t have to worry about punks wanting to be in her.
No Karen, you can’t return your
eclipse glasses tomorrow and
claim they “didn’t fit.”
Him: What do you think this big nasty thing on my neck is?
Me: Your head.
I’m sorry I said your head looks too small to power your body.
[Watching the Food Network]
Me: She made THAT with those 3 ingredients? That’s DISGUSTING!
Also me: *dips cornbread in pickle juice*
A couple is asleep when their doorbell rings at 3am.
The wife shakes the husband and says “Honey, there’s someone at the door.”
The husband, irritated gets up and opens the door to an obviously drunk man.
“Can I help you?”
“Could you give me a push?” asks the drunk man.…
My mother-in-law called me a witch, but my husband was quick to defend me. He said, “Emma wouldn’t go near a broom.”
Instead of calling him a paleontologist, I used to call Ross from Friends a fossil fool lol I was such a hoot in the 90s.
Do you prefer to travel by gravy train or gravy boat
Laundry is racist!!
Must separate the whites from the colors!!
No delicates allowed?
Oh, whites get HOT water, everyone else gets cold!
6yo:You can’t eat chips before dinner!
Me:YOU can’t. I’m a grown man. I do what I want.
*Wife walks in*: What’s that?
Me:WHAT? NOTHING. Huh?
Nobody ever talks about how effective letting dogs sleep in your bed is for birth control.