Just had my biannual teeth cleaning like some barn animal.
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(pouring whiskey)
Wife: What are you doing? Didn’t they give you instructions after they vaccinated you?
Me: Yes they said to be sure to drink a lot.
Wife:
Me:…or stay hydrated…or something like that.
this is the kind of chaos i demand from a pharmacy
In the future the only two jobs left are Uber driver and escape room planner.
the revolution will not be YOU HAVE REACHED YOUR LIMIT OF 3 FREE ARTICLES THIS MONTH PLEASE SUBSCRIBE TO READ MORE
Schrödinger: How’s my cat, Doc?
Vet: I have good news and bad news..
In the middle of an argument, begin calmly folding a blanket if you want the other person to go truly ballistic
A curse:
May your children do impersonations of you that are both embarrassing and perfectly accurate.
disney ceo: live action little mermaid
animator: yep
ceo: it’s in the ocean
animator: got it
ceo: coral reefs
animator: understood
ceo: lots of fish
animator: [nose suddenly bleeding] i don’t- what is.… finsh?
[creation of walrus]
god: make it just, i dunno, a tub of lard
angel: sorry, come again?
god: a waddling lard pile, and give it whiskers
angel: dude what
god: toss some fangs on it, like a big doofus dracula
angel: remember when you flooded the entire planet? this is worse
Every machine is a smoke machine if you operate it wrong enough.
I saw a sign that said falling rocks so I tried and it doesn’t
Therapist: Would you use alcohol, food and sex as a means of feeling happy?
Me: Yes, thanks.
I still let my Mom make all my phone calls for me, but my customer service center boss is getting annoyed.
No matter how much I shake my phone, you still won’t come out. Are you stuck? I think you’re stuck.
A harried Japanese guy is ushering me to the starting blocks of the 400 meter sprint. Please help i dont want this. I am not fast
There’s nearly 50 million kangaroos in Australia and there’s nearly 5 million people in Phoenix.
If the roos got together & decided to invade Phoenix, each person would have to fight 10 kangaroos.
babe are you okay??? you’ve barely touched your chromatica limited edition curry
I was laid off by Twitter today. I’m an algorithmicist and psychological operations specialist looking to possibly transition into nation-state level disinformation broadcasting roles. Please DM me if you have any leads!
Me: you know how in movies someone is yelling at someone else and the sexuality of the exchange overtakes them and they start making out
Wife: yes why
Me: my boss fired me today
the cool thing about having longer hair is using it to floss your teeth in a pinch
Here’s my thread about the spiders I’ve taken outside
– tonight was Bruce. He was medium sized and fast, but cooperated well 4/5 stars
The receptionist at the colonoscopy center asked me to provide photo ID, and I was like, “Do you get a lot of folks impersonating others to have fraudulent colonoscopies?”
Sweatpants ✅
Headband ✅
Wristbands ✅
Jockstrap ✅“Welcome to Olive Garden’s all you can eat pasta night.”
Why are karate people always breaking boards? Did boards kill their parents?
David Duke says Jews aren’t white. Eric Trump says Democrats aren’t people. So I guess today begins my new life as a purple dragon.
Her: Could you dim the lights?
Me: [thinking it’s sexy time] Oh yeah.
Her: Thank you. *begins slide show* The title of this presentation is “Things About You That Need Improving.” Please save your questions for the end.
Sardine Wife: “What’s wrong?”
Sardine Husband: “I just need some space, Linda.”
Sardine Wife: “WHERE EXACTLY SHOULD I GO, KENNETH”
Bought a pair of camo sweatpants but my kids can still see me when I wear them. This is bullshit
Okay, you got me, I’m not really a gynecologist. What gave it away? Was it the tongue thing?
[Therapist’s Waiting Room]
ME: you’re gonna bring up that I always try to predict the future aren’t you
WIFE: yup
ME: I knew it!