I cannot breath, walk, or bend over but DAYUM these skinny jeans look good.
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My kid found my ice cream stash and now I have to eat it all tonight so I don’t have to share it tomorrow – parenting is tough and not for everyone
HOT SINGLES IN YOUR AREA ARE HIDING BEHIND THE CORNER. THEY ARE GOING TO JUMP OUT AND TAKE YOUR PHONE, WALLET AND PURSE.
Mom: You look tired.
Me: Ma, don’t say that.
Mom: Sorry.
Me: Forget it.
Mom:
Me:
Mom: You look old.
*wears an “Only God Can Judge Me” t-shirt to court*
[In Club]
*slides up to girl on dance floor
“This is my jam”
*hands her a jar
“I wrote my number on the label. Text me if you want more…”
[before cones were invented]
*fistful of ice cream* there has to be a better way
Of all my mistakes, you were the mistakiest
I really don’t care where y’all are located, my brother was last seen on the Westbank in the Westwego area. My baby is missing and I need everyone’s eyes because I cannot see by myself. This is the time I need all of my prayer warriors 😔 please help me find my brother
Flight attendant: Is there a doctor onboard?
Mom: *nudging me* that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Mom
Mom: Not asking for an artist to help, are they?
Everyone on the plane: Wait, you’re an artist?
Everyone on the plane, including dying guy: Can you draw me?
Me: why does the ARMy use FOOT soldiers for HAND to HAND combat lol
Pentagon: he’s getting too close
It’s all fun and games until you accidentally stab a space monk
I love how this restaurant keeps a fish tank by the front entrance so I can just reach my hand in and eat a fish on the way out for free.
i just ordered an RGB bulb for when i play music too loud and my mom says this is a house not a nightclub I’ll say i beg to differ
My resume is just a piece of paper that says “Please don’t Google me.”
Imagine you know a guy named Gary, & Gary calls his car the Garymobile & insists that you do, too. What I’m saying is Batman is a douche
People who say “adorbs” make me miserbs
I’m currently trying not to let wearing my new Grinch onesie become my entire personality. It is surprisingly difficult.
My uber is here. Should I get in? He has 5 stars…
Librarian: Can I help you?
Me: Yeah, I’m looking for a book about-
Librarian: Being psychic?
Me: No…
Librarian: One day that will work.
Someone once asked me if I was drunk.
I said yes.
That was the shortest job interview I’ve ever had.
my dad put my photo on milk cartons when i went missing because he didn’t want vegans looking for his son
In a dog eat dog world, the chocolate lab is the most delicious, yet poisonous of all breeds.
Me: Ok, here we go. Right foot, yellow
Me: Left hand, red
Me: Left foot, green
Police sketch artist: this can’t be true
Me: No guts, no glory.
Skeleton: Wow, I’m like right here.
I don’t understand why they named it “sandpaper” when the obvious name “office toilet paper” was right there in front of them.
good cop: you do not have to talk to us
bad cop: [running away from a spider] i need backup
Put together a list of the PROS and CONS of pizza for those of you who are on the fence!
My son got this balloon on Valentine’s Day. He accidentally let go & it floated to the ceiling. Days later it was still up there. I said, “be patient, it will come down” but he didn’t believe me. “If it comes down I get an iPad!” he said. I agreed. Then I glued it to the ceiling.
[interrogation]
Where were you last night?
“Out killing people”
Louder for the tape
[leans in]
“The Cheesecake Factory, that’s where I was”
3: Who’s that on your shirt?
Me: Yoda, from Star Wars.
3: I don’t like him.
Me: YOU DON’T EVEN KNOW HIM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!