If you had more money you’d be happier.
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Shout out to my drug dealer Jamal, he’s taught me more about the metric system than any of my teachers ever did.
Someone just commented they wanted to be my husband and I blocked them..
I don’t need that kind of negative talk..
*Someone messages me*
I hope your well
And I’m like, you hope my well what?
You hope my well is fine?
You hope my well is providing me with clean water?HOW DO YOU KNOW I HAVE A WELL, WHAT DO YOU HOPE FOR IT & WHY CAN’T YOU FINISH YOUR SENTENCE?
American Horror Story: Public Restroom
[Party]
Me: so I went to the corner shop…and bought 4 corners hahahaColonel Mustard *jumps up* can you join me in the study?
Me: Yeah why?
Colonel Mustard *picking up candlestick* just come now
HER: Impress me.
ME: I own a record label-
HER: Ooooooo
ME: er. A record labelER. It makes labels for my Abba vinyls.
My daughter just told me she doesn’t like Cadbury eggs and oh thank god bc the 12 I bought her accidentally fell into my facehole
[bird watching] when’s the yellow one gonna teach me the alphabet
5: when you laugh your head off does it grow back?
My sister and I are sat having KFC when she says she misses the lemon flavour packets they used to give out and I was like ??? they were lemon wipes for your hands?? and her face dropped.
Turns out she used to squeeze the lemon wipes onto her chicken 😭😂😭😂
i asked my husband to get something larger than the tiny bottle of olive oil he usually buys…
So basically what I’m saying is that Face Off is misleading and the movie should be called Ha Ha Got Your Face FBI Man
OK, THAT’S IT! [angrily slams newspaper down on table] I am DONE with the Family Circus!
One quality im not looking for in a potential partner is the ability to maintain a virtual farm
I’m beginning to suspect this fat phase isn’t a phase
me: I plead the 3rd
lawyer: the third amendment is you can’t be forced to quarter soldiers. the fifth is you can’t be compelled to act as witness against yourself. did you mean the fifth?
me: I mean I kinda don’t want to have to do either
There’s a guy in this Taco Bell bathroom stall so loud I’m not sure if it’s performance art or a solstice goat sacrifice.
Meet me in the bedroom.. bring the gravy boat.
Don’t make this weird…
I think u would all treat me a lot better if i possessed a small amount of plutonium
‘Shake It Off’ is probably my favorite urinal sing-along song.
Me: I live on an Emu farm.
Them: are all of the animals really sad?
Me: Emu not emo.
M: Bless me Father for I have sinned.
P: You’re not even Catholic.
M: You don’t want to hear what I did?
P: Oh, I do. I’ve read your tweets.
I was talking to my wife last night. Man, it sounds like her husband is a real jerk.
doctor: I’m afraid it’s bad news
me: oh god
doctor: *hands me test results* you look, I’m too scared
I am a full grown adult. Now listen to me discuss the various plot holes in Paw Patrol.
What if we’re all misreading this photo and the lobsterwoman is so powerful that she’s actually summoning a lobster out of the ocean into the boat.
My husband and I got in a fight and I was certain I had the last word until we went to bed and he started snoring
I don’t care how many stars this restaurant has, I’m ordering the grilled cheese sandwich
Plumber: you have hard water.
Me: you mean like ice?
Of course I’m English.
I’m the retard convict cousin you shipped off to Australia back in the day.