You: Alexa, should I worry about being spied on by balloons?
Alexa: Yes, it’s definitely the balloons.
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mom: are u coming to ur uncle’s funeral
my brain: grant, be careful
me: sorry, I can’t make it
brain: careful
me: because
brain: easy
me: my uncle died
brain: oh ffs
Time heals everything 🙂
Three primary reasons I lift weights:
1. Vanity
2. Health
3. Lifting any dog breed into the air like a little baby
“I have a cure for your burning bush.” — Moses hitting on the ladies
Spider-Man: I climb like a spider and shoot webs to prevent crime!
Ant-Man: I shrink to the size of an ant to defeat enemies!
Cowboy: I uh
Spider-Man: Go on!
Cowboy *quietly* I have 4 stomachs
No horror movie will ever be as scary as the sight of the water going up instead of down when I flush the toilet.
*performs sax solo*
Whoops, typo.
*performs sex, solo*
You’ve heard of Elf on a Shelf but…
6yo (raises hand) Teacher, I know how to do dark mode.
*closes eyes
I love it when waiters tell me to tell them when to stop grating cheese on my meal.
It’s cheese, dude. We’ll be here a while.
Heard my husband scream “NOOOOOO!” from across the house, ran to see if he was okay, then discovered him watching that video of the raccoon who tries to “wash” his cotton candy and then appear visibly upset when it dissolves in the water.
Last week, my dog rolled a ball into a sewer drain and it was gone. I just found it on the street. What is the clown-thanking etiquette?
For $49.95, I will name your dog, your cat, your turtle, or your baby. (The name will be “Dave”.)
[job interview]
HIM: What makes you think you’re qualified for the Social Media Director position?
ME: [typing] Hold on…
HIM: Please put down the phone.
ME: [typing] Hold on…
HIM: What the hell are you doing?
ME: Live tweeting this interview.
HIM: When can you start?
me *sees wife’s cheesecake*
future me [sent here to warn me what would happen if I ate it] *knocks on the front door*
me *already eating it*
It may only be 9:15am, but I already hit my step goal for today because my mother-in-law is here and I keep leaving every room she enters
The group of water bottles in my room when I bring in another one
“You don’t have to try on every outfit on sale, you know”, my mum, clearly not knowing how a sale works.
*walks up to cashier with paper towels*
Are these the largest tampons you have?
Interviewer: “Why would you make a good customer service representative?”
Me: “I’m good at apologizing for things that aren’t my fault.”
People often ask me why I’m single and how surprised they are
Then after speaking to me for 15 mins they say they can understand why I am
[job interview]
“So what are your goals for working here?”
To be home by 5
If you get nervous when the IT support desk takes control of your computer remember they’re whispering “no weirdos please” to themselves.
No one is more shocked that I brought my cat to a baseball game than my cat.
My psychiatrist is mad at me, told him I could hear people but couldn’t see them…he said when does this happen…I said over the phone
Loyalty is very important for my wife…
My girlfriend doesn’t care.
Funny how different sisters can be! 😜
Van Helsing: I’ve come to your village to hunt down the Wolfman
me: yeah, I’m aware…
Van Helsing: *loading a silver bullet* you’re a what?
Most people like a little something to remember you by.
Skidmarks going out of the driveway isn’t one of those things.
I have interests besides avoiding housework. In fact, I have a long list of things I’m interested in avoiding.