I carry dental floss with me at all times because you never know when you’re going to need to garrotte a co-worker.
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Be a sharp dressed man. Buy a suit made of knives. Scare ur boss into promoting u. Cut everyone’s sandwiches for them in the break room.
Salesman: That’s our best selling couch.
Me: *sits* *bounces*
Salesman: What do you think?
Me: *grinning* Sofa so good.
Salesman: Please leave.
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change & the strength to lift a car over my head. Saving the third wish for later.
Just want to apologize to all the unlucky women that have had to deal with my ex because I dumped him.
Day 4 of social distancing.. My husband just challenged my kids to a Tic Tac battle (aka TikTok) .. dear god help us all.
The guy who invented doors must have been a big hero to the thousands of people standing around outside their homes.
I showed my 4 year old a picture of myself with her brother when he was little. “Aww,” she said, “you looked so young back then.”
Me: Jesus, are these… are these claw marks in the sand?
Jesus: I put you on the back of an emu lololololol
Cleaning the rocks of the earth one load of my kids’ laundry at a time
My housemates are convinced our house is haunted. I’ve lived here for 274 years and not noticed anything strange.
me: I want to buy some drugs
dealer: are you a cop
me: would I get a discount
Record breaking, visionary director Steven Spielberg: ‘Wanna play a dull, killed off screen character?’
Samuel L Jackson: ‘Sure’
How can you call yourself a pervert?
I’ve never seen you at any of the meetings.
[Studying for his history test]
10: I wish I was born in the 1800s
Me: Why?
10: I’d have less history to learn
imagine being the mom in Gremlins you just wanted to have a nice family christmas and your husband brings home a new pet then it starts multiplying and evolving into little demon lizard things and you have to put one in your new blender and you’re like why is this my life now
*job interview*
Me: Do you think my plants get disgusted when I have sex in front of them?
Interviewer: I.. I meant questions about the job
I’m “misinterprets hand gesture and accidentally high fives your fist” white.
In “Hit Me Baby (one more time)” when Britney Spears said “my loneliness, it’s killing me”, she was actually predicting the 2020 social distancing period. In this essay I will
CW: what did you do to your hair today?
Me: It’s really unclear whether you think it’s good or you think I slept in a ditch.
Gonna show my mom this article when she tries to wake me up early every day this week
Survey: How would you rate the cleaning products you recently purchased from us?
Me: I had to clean.
0 out of 5 stars.
Gentle reminder that Thanos won 14,000,605 alternate times in end game but the one time he lost they made a movie about it
If someone tells you you’re cute, ask them to name 3 other people they find cute so that you can react appropriately.
Wanna know why skeletons are so calm?
Because nothing gets under their skin.
cyclists
Hello, Nationwide Insurance? This chick wants to fight me in the Denny’s parking lot, you’re on my side, right?
[trying to impress date]
Him: I want someone who’s not afraid of a little PDA.
Me: *keys I WANT THE SEX into the side of his car*
Interviewer: How do you respond to criticism?
Me: Violently.
Interviewer:
Me:
Interviewer: No further questions.
My favorite part of Star Wars is when the angry guy was like “call me daddy”
coworker relationships are so bizarre like i wouldn’t acknowledge you in public but i def know all about how your great aunt poisoned your great uncle for a life insurance payout.