I’m 20, my face is 18, my voice is 16, my back is 60 🥲.
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My mom asked me to text her at 5pm to remind her to get her thyroid medication so I do have plans
The internet was a mistake. Civilization was a mistake. Evolving was a mistake. We could be sitting in trees eating delicious bananas right now, but instead we’re here getting Very Angry Online.
Don’t tell me what to do, you’re not a donut
I miss walking my dog on July 5th, wondering if I’ll have to wrestle a blown off finger from him.
Even with an open schedule and no events, I still don’t “have enough time” to stay hydrated, apparently.
*knock at the door*
“H…hello?”
“Hi, i’m not a mouse”
“Phew, that’s good because im a large block of cheese, lemme just open thARGGGHHHHHHH
This is the best tattoo I’ve ever seen in my whole life, no contest
kid: whats the meaning of life?
me: life is like a bag of Doritos, when you get to a point where you think youve had enough, you notice there isnt much left in the bag, so you just power through to the end
kid: where do babies come from?
me: babies are like a bag of Doritos…
My kid just yanked out a loose tooth and set it next to the flowers he got me, and is that…is that part of the gift
Officer: We’re building the Death Star as fast as we can.
Vader: I have new ways to motivate you.
*implements margarita Tuesdays*
Just killed a spider IN MY BED!! So if you need me, I’ll be burning down my home and looking for a new place to live.
More like Kate Missington.
therapist: why do you do that
me: ummm i don’t know babe u tell me
The Blue Tooth in your ear tells me you are expecting an important call.
At Walmart.
At 8:00 AM.
On Sunday.
In the snack food aisle.
Ma’am.
Why can’t Penguins get Christmas gifts? Cause Penguins and Santa Claus are poles apart
Him: I like your vest.
Me [not wearing a vest, but I have 2 dogs and haven’t vacuumed in a while]: Thanks.
i’m all for human rights and shit, but if you’re on a tour in a factory and decide to wander off, it should be legal for the floor workers to hunt you for sport
This was the Moment when twitter decided to double the Size of its Application.
People in 2050 be like “your boyfriend broke up with you? Don’t worry, there is plenty of plastic in the sea.”
DOG 911: What’s your emer-
DOG: THERE’S WRAPPING PAPER EVERYWHERE
DOG 911: for you to tear up and eat?
DOG: NO THEY’RE THROWING IT ALL AWAY
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
Arriving at my funeral, you are woefully unprepared for the sight of my embalmed corpse doing full Van Damme splits between two coffins.
Alcohol is photoshop for real life.
I’ve been doing “CrossFit” every day for the last few years.
I cross my fingers and hope that some of my clothes still fit.
#SundayMorning #RubbishJokes #Fitness
i’m gonna go out on a limb here and say that omg this branch definitely can’t hold my weight and yep i’m going down
First in my neighborhood to cut the grass and now the other husbands are looking at me like I reminded the teacher to assign homework.
*2 dogs watching a person walk into the house. one of them whispers to the other*
now, try not to go berserk but that’s the guy who knows where all the treats are
No bond is stronger than two coworkers who hate the same person.
kids in new york be like “i take the train to school” ok harry potter
I tried to help by doing my daughter’s hair once and a kind old lady offered her a hot meal and a warm place to sleep.
He: “Darling, may I have potato pasta for dinner, please?”
She: “Gnocchi dokey.”
#PotatoDay #RubbishJokes