Grandma’s funeral ft. Pitbull
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My Plans 2020
*peels off yoga pants to reveal even yogier pants*
I like to go on job interviews wearing an eye patch and switch eyes when the interviewer looks down.
I’m not stressed
My version of flirting these days is looking at someone I find attractive, multiple times..
..and hoping that they’re more brave than I am !!
[at the mechanic]
mechanic: what is the problem
me: my car
“Ooooh the Zodiac Killer, so scary. Are you going to kill me with astrology whoa that’s a big knife.”
me: I feel your pain
french baker: ma’am, pls stop touching the bread
My fortune cookie just says Hahahaha. Is that good?
Happy Victorian Christmas, the sparrows are coming for us all
Captain’s Log:
Day 1 —
Heavy storm shipwrecked us on an island. If we patch up the ship we can make it back to port. I’m confident in my crew that we can make it through this and get the S.S. Anger Management sea worthy again.Day 2 —
We killed Seamus.
I’m no sadist. Some of my best friends are sad.
You can tell how much it’s going to cost you by the way your teenager sounds:
Mum! = £2 for an ice cream
Muuuum 🙂 = £50 for pointless trainers
Hello mummy, you look pretty today = remortgage the house
Oh, so my credit card company will call if they think there are “suspicious charges” but they won’t call to check on how I’m doing after seeing I went to the same McDonald’s twice in one day?!
*walks in house wearing a large neck brace*
oh no, what happened?
“my earbud cord got caught on a chair while I was walking”
millennials aren’t having kids because no one’s made lo-fi hip-hop beats to yell at your kids to
“Thanks for saving my life” said no toddler ever
New mindset, who dis?
I think my neighbor is very sick. I have now seen him putting no less than six of his arms in his garbage over the past year.
INTERVIEWER: under skills you’ve listed “gets jokes” ME: haha, very good. good one sir, haha
Seriously? Nothing in the waiting room but Highlights magazine?
[I get called in 10 minutes later]
Hold on, let me finish this article.
I like to take candy from a kid cause sugar is bad for them. Then, I eat it in front of them while saying, “don’t do this”
“Let’s tape a spider to a lobster and scare the shit out of everyone forever.”
-God making scorpions
Is the Paleo diet the one where you only eat dinosaurs?
Don’t talk to me about hardship. You guys will never have to refold a road map.
My kid got all dramatic and started a story with “in the deep dark woods there lived…a chicken” and now I need him to come home from the park and tell me the rest
“you guys got full size candy bars in there?”
Emperor: Luke, kill Vader and become my apprentice.
Vader: But why? I’ve been loyal.
Emperor: Have you ever listened to yourself breathe?
– How much for the mobile tampon?
– Ma’am?
– It’s a bit big.
– Ma’am, it’s a lamb.
– Does it make that sound because it has detected blood?
I am glad that things are opening up again. Now when I get told to go play in traffic, there actually is traffic.