I just cleaned out the change at the bottom of my purse and now I have an extra $17,000.
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Edward Scissorhands: Maybe he’s born with it, maybe he’s Wolverine
The Untrained Meteorologist is a classic
🤣🤣🤣🤣
Ad exec: but how are we going to reach our target audience?
Ad exec 2: we need to be able to speak their language
Meow Mix jingle writer: *deep breath*
What did the Wise Men say after presenting their gold and frankincence???
Wait, there’s myrrh!!!
[Wedding night]
Me: Finally! I’ve waited SO long for this
New Father in Law: You’re in the wrong room
Me: Am I? *winks forever*
Pelican: OMG she is gorgeous
Water buffalo: Who?
P: That beautiful flamingo over there.
WB: Go talk to her.
P: She’s way out of my league, I don’t think I can.
WB: What do I always tell you Gary? You’re a Pelican…
WB/P: …not a Pelicant.
This virus would sound a lot cuter if it was referred to as more of a panda-demic.
I fake the art of fainting so well my favorite restaurant now refers to me as “Low Blood Sugar Girl” while rushing my limp body to a table.
[The oddity of dating]: Hey I like your face, also possibly your body. Let’s see if I can stand your personality until we die Okay?
There’s no “I” in meat, but there’s “me” and “eat”, and I don’t know how vegans can argue with that logic.
Johnny Depp could lose 250 hands of strip poker in a row and wouldn’t even have all his thumb rings off yet.
You could probably eliminate about 82 of your 99 problems by just minding your own business.
Every time I go to bed early my cat decides this is the night she will find and kill god
you idiots wanna bring back the 90s but I haven’t seen a single zigzag part in anybody’s hair
*National Spelling Bee Final
– Spell cyclops.
– Use in a sentence.
– Cyclops have one eye.
*winks at audience
– C-E-Y-E-C-L-O-P-S.
[if ‘cahoots’ meant love]
Me: I’m in cahoots with you. I’ve always been in cahoots with you.
Person: I’ve told you. I’m in cahoots with someone else. You and I could never be in cahoots. I’m sorry, I’m so sorry.
[watching a hunting show even though I have never touched a gun or seen anything bigger than a squirrel in the woods] the elk probably smell them
how is everyone so excited about a scary month after *checks notes* like 250 of them in a row
[Beatles recording session]
Ringo: ♫I’d like to be
John: Nice beat
R: ♫Under the sea
Paul: Oh exotic
R: ♫In an octopus’s garden
George: WTF?
gonna make a dog training school and call it harvard so people who went to harvard always have to say “no the one for people”
Tell the dude at Starbucks your name is Poison Coffee, and when he calls your name, fall out of your chair onto the floor.
Son: *placing Dunkin Donuts order* So you want a latté?
Me: Nah I just want a little.
Son: …goddammit Mom…
Our 50 favourite Christmas tweets of 2021.
Her: What do you notice that’s different about me?
Me: I’ll just sleep on the sofa, see you in the morning.
Your call is very important to us and we’ll answer it once we figure out our new phone system.
In an alternate universe, the Tooth Fairy shoves extra teeth in your mouth if you don’t leave her money under your pillow.
My daughter just came into the kitchen to finish getting ready to go out. So now I’m making a cheese, bacon and hairspray omelette.
Interviewer: How did you hear about the position?
Me: *sweating profusely* W-with my ears.
I have a mice problem so I lay out tiny red and blue bandanas in hopes they start a west coast/east coast thing and take care of each other.