“It’s too early for porn.” Said no man ever.
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30 seconds left on the microwave
~ Women:
set table, pour drinks, tweet, talk on the phone~ Men:
do the space shuttle countdown
I have about 5 different personalities and not one of them can find my car keys.
Me: I’ve got distressed genes.
Friend: Don’t you mean distressed jeans.
M: Have you met my family?
If you wait for the perfect time. You will become a perfectionist at waiting.
“You’ll hear from my lawyer”
-boring
-overplayed
-probably a tax attorney“Trish is going to be f*****g livid”
-intimidating
-who is trish
-what have we done
[at Home Depot]
Me: hey, I need some gardening gloves, a tarp, a shovel, and some lye
Clerk: haha, you kill somebody?
Me: our dog died
Clerk: oh God, I’m so sorry…
Me: haha, just kidding. I killed somebody
I’m gods gift to women if god only shopped at Rite Aid.
It’s funny, when I walk into a spider web I demolish his home and misplace his dinner yet I still feel like the victim.
I just learned that embalmers insert butt plugs into corpses to prevent leakage….
So now I know why zombies walk like they do.
me: thanks for letting me work from home
boss: *turns off shower* I meant your home
Baby monitors are pointless because most babies simply stop doing illegal shit as soon as they realize you’ve got their room bugged.
detective: looks like someone cut the victim open
mortician: that was me
detective: *into wire* we got em
[sees a shredded guy at the gym]
Me: cake tho
I pry open the crab shell but instead of sweet crabmeat I find a tiny, bustling city filled with people who have my face. It tastes terrible
[colonizing Mars]
M:a:r:s
that scene in doctor who where the doctor brings vincent van gogh to a 21st century exhibition of his work except he takes t.s. eliot to a screening of cats (2019)
ALERT
At 9:20am, I lost an apostrophe.
Last seen in the word “Let’s”.
If you see it, please send it home.
Its tweet misses it.
the twelve days of christmas is completely unrealistic there is no way that you’re still accepting gifts from someone after four days of birds
Hello Mr The Sun. I see you have once again lowered yourself to the exact height below my cars visor. Well played.
*walks around revolving door for 3 hours while staring down at phone*
self care is telling yourself you didn’t hit the curb, the curb hit you
Well kids, when a man and woman love each other very much, he erects a monument for her, but in his pants.
My son: Did you hear about the guy who got injured playing peek-a-boo?
Me: No
Son: he’s in the ICU
Evolution: so I have some good news and some bad news for you
Dung beetle: what’s the good news
Evolution: you won’t ever have to worry about student loans
Dung beetle: phew wow that’s great! What’s the bad news?
Evolution: well
The reason Twitter shows “Twitter for iPhone” or “Twitter for Android” is because Jesus will use it later to decide who goes to heaven. Android users obviously.
me: salt rim please.
barista: what.
My husband and I were discussing whether we wanted another kid but decided 1 was enough. We just need to figure out what to do with the other one now
WEDDING SUPERSTITION: It is bad luck to get married.
In the car and passed by a cop and my 12 year old says “everyone be cool! Act normal!”
Expecting that Father of the Year award any day now
Add a touch of magic to your allergies by filling your mouth with glitter before you sneeze.