I’d hang this in my house.
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If stranded in a lifeboat in the middle of the sea, rub 2 FB accounts together to generate enough thoughts & prayers to lift you to safety.
88% of the lies parents tell their kids are that the store was out of the snack that they forgot to buy.
Just found out my old gym is a 5 Guys now
Renewed my membership this morning
“The other day” -me referring to the year 2017
for christmas I got the cat a plastic yellow gun that shoots soft fluffy balls for her to chase which she loooves. anyway it’s so funny now when she’s being a pain & we need to distract her one of us will say “cat won’t stop trying to eat from my plate. pass me the gun”
I just bought a new pair of sunglasses for whoever finds them in 3 weeks.
You can only send, “I hope this email finds you in a pineapple under the sea” like 3, 4 times before they’ll fire you
I argue with myself in public so no one talks to me.
Ok, don’t let them know you’re a puma
Interviewer: We’re very impressed! You’ve got the job!
“REALLY!?! I’M SO HAPPY I JUST PUMA PANTS”
I have to lose 20 lbs in 3 days. Piece of cake, I tell the waitress. Chocolate. Thanks.
I wouldn’t have to stash these leftovers in my bra if this dress had pockets
I cleaned the house but I have kids, so that was stupid
[me being lowered into my grave]
the grave:
please input the SMS code we texted so we can make sure it’s you
Me: What’s with the look?
Hub: How would you like a full-service massage?
Me: I would, but will you and the kids be okay while I’m gone?
*A tree barges into a barber shop and starts kicking the hair piles* HOW DO YOU LIKE IT, HUH
Genie: You have 3 wishes.
I don’t want to run into spiderwebs anymore. That’s it…. I’m done. You can keep the other 2 wishes.
WebMD is a Choose Your Own Adventure book where every single story ends in malignant cancer
My guess is it’s either Geppetto’s workshop or a sperm bank.
Because of Gwen Stefani I can spell bananas so I wish she’d write a song where she spells restaurant.
can’t catch a break
My neighbor killed the grass in my yard so now I have to go and be all Lawn Wick on his garden gnomes
Doctor: “You have lost a lot of blood.”
Me: “That’s not good.”
Doctor: “It’s not. You are the worst manager this blood bank has ever seen.”
The guy who discovered boomerangs must have been terrified
5yo: Daddy, what’s a facial?
Me: Your brother.
5yo: I don’t have a brother!?
Me: Exactly!
My cat caught me watching cat videos on the Internet so we now have a shared Twitter and Facebook account.
Reached the age where my body is like, “oh yeah, forgot to tell you, we can’t eat cucumbers after 7 P.M. anymore.”
dry january is so funny. people are like how can i make the worst month of the year even worse
#parenting
(interview for construction job)
Foreman: Your resume is just pictures of LEGOs?
Me: (proudly) Didn’t even have to look at the instructions
In a survival situation, you can drink your own urine. Fortunately, my Wi-Fi came back on just as I was filling the can.