There aren’t as many hot pies cooling on the windowsills as the cartoons had me believe as a kid.
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me: [hits guy with sock full of pennies]
him: is that all you got
me: yeah inflation’s bad
People that are stoned shouldn’t throw glass houses.
I’d be a horrible stalker.. I’m always late
Best headline I’ve seen in so very long…
What if the Daleks start eating an apple a day
it’s so important we compare women to other women because in the end, as we all know, there can only be one woman
I melted down all my various rewards cards into a universal “Rewards Dagger” that gets me a discount everywhere.
“Microdosing is for the weak” I whisper as I backflip onto a centaur and skip off over the rainbow
you can fill a waterbed with gravy, no one even checks.
If your phone gets wet, put it in a bag of rice because maybe an Asian will come by and fix it.
Getting a nosebleed on your period is like a ketchup sachet bursting at both ends.
Who decided to call them “wedding vows” instead of “veiled threats”?
[job interview]
“Tell me about yourself.”
I have a lot of experience.
“Great, can you elaborate?”
They’re bad experiences.
Dungeons and Dragons is popular because it appeals to the human fantasy of having a group of friends who can come over at a regular time
If social media platforms were weddings:
FB: ornate wedding in a renaissance church, tasteful reception
IG: wedding on the beach, ride off into sunset on horseback
Twitter: get drunk married in Vegas by midget Elvis, continue evading cops with possible corpse in trunk
Parents be like “i don’t have a favorite child” then use one of your siblings birth dates as a password
Fair warning: If you’re one of those parents who allow their kids to run around in a restaurant, I’m gonna teach them cuss words.
I only fight in alleys so I can put them in a dumpster after I win
It’s not cheating. Or money issues. Leaving drawers and cabinets open is the true test of a marriage.
No thanks, toilets that flush.
-kids
Acquaintance: If you could go anywhere in the world, where would you go?
Me: Into the Witness Protection Program.
ME: So, where are the Hobbits?
GUIDE: Again, that’s Middle Earth. This is Central America.
ME: Ooh, right. *Whispers in fear* Orc territory.
sky writing doesn’t always have to be positive, come on people
Can you imagine being cryogenically frozen and waking up 100 years later? Your hairstyle would be so outdated, how embarrassing.
If Jesus appears to you, ask him to bevel cut a jack rafter onto a door header. If he doesn’t know what you mean, that’s an imposter Jesus.
I like how there was a resurgence in the past few years of vinyl records, the most inconvenient of all possible media since the stone tablet.
They call it “childbirth” lest anyone think that women give birth to adults or kangaroos.
person i just met reaches out for hand shake
me, realizing my hand is embarrassingly cold: thanks but i know enough people
Even with a college education, the first thought that comes to mind when I know something bad is about to happen is “ruh roh.”
Met virtually with my therapist the other day & my cat’s head suddenly popped in the screen. Therapist stopped talking, pointed and whispered “CAT”.
When you’re in a meeting and you see a cat you have to say ‘cat’ just like you have to say ‘cows’ when you see cows while driving.