Boys have dad bods
Men have father figures
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[showing off my distressed jeans]
jeans: AHHHHHHHHHHH
Don’t be fooled by looks, butterflies taste just like moths.
ME: [first day as a detective] Was the robber armed?
VICTIM: No
ME: *writing ‘probably a snake’ in my notepad* Thank you.
Me: [print]
Printer: You’re low on ink
Me: What? I just bought ink
P: You’re low on magenta
Me: I want to print in black
P: You need magenta
Me: wtf I just need black & black is full
P: magennnnta
Me: [buys and installs $30 magenta cartridge]
Me: [print]
P: So, about your cyan
The bank says I can’t afford a $950 mortgage so I pay $1400 a month in rent instead.
WIFE: no no no I loved your vows I just thought you could’ve used the word ‘bloodthirsty’ a little less
When donuts appear in the breakroom. We cut one in half. We eat half. We return to the breakroom five minutes later and eat the other half. It is the way of our people.
The recipe blogs that have the “jump to recipe” button are the real winners
Imagine being hungry and some guy tries to teach you to fish
A harried Japanese guy is ushering me to the starting blocks of the 400 meter sprint. Please help i dont want this. I am not fast
Hey people – learn to spell!!!
I mean my co-workers. Twitter, you guys actually do pretty well, considering half of you are probably drunk.
I swear if one more phone call interrupts my internet quiz I will harness whichever Disney villain I am.
Toilet roll shortage. Fine.
Potatoes. Yes whatever.
Chocolate shortage.. PANIC BUY.
I think I may need professional help…
A chef, a butler and a maid should do it!
there are few problems in life that can’t be solved by being presented with new and even bigger problems 🎭
OLIVE GARDEN: When you’re here, you’re family!
ME: Can I get a–
OLIVE GARDEN: No, we have food at home.
[restaurant]
ME: Excuse me, this alphabet soup tastes funny
WAITER: Well it is Comic Sans
Him: *stares at my face
Him: *points to his lips
Me: *OMG He loves me & wants to kiss!
Him: “you have mayo on your face”Me: *dies alone
“Sir… your family is dead. APRIL FOOLS!!!! Kidding!!! Your son made it! He’s in a coma! OMG You shoulda seen your face!”
– Worst ER doc
Most of being an adult is just trying to figure out where that bruise came from.
Sirs & Ma’ams, It is a well-known fact that when Jesus takes the wheel, He doesn’t just stop with the wheel. He takes the stereo too.
[scale says I’ve gained 5 pounds]
Me: It’s probably just what I’m wearing.
Wife: You’re naked.
Me:
Wife:
Me: It’s a heavy deodorant.
These drawstring pajama pants practically fall down when I don’t tie them, so I guess another piece of birthday cake is in order.
My local radio station is asking people to send in funny photographs taken when you were pissed.
So I’ve sent in my wedding album.
Last year for Christmas I got a sweater, this year I am hoping for a screamer or a moaner.
mom: you waste your money on stupid stuff
me: you’re right. btw how’s that panini press working out?
mom:
me: making a lot of paninis with that thing?
You know those lines you see painted on parking lots? I know this will come as a shock to some of you, but you’re supposed to park between them.
People refuse to believe you when they ask what you do for fun and you say “sit quietly at home.”
They’re like, “haha, no, if you can do anything!”
Like, yeah dude, this conversation is what’s preventing me from living my dream. As soon as we’re done, guess what I’m gonna do?
Am I the only one that still asks barking dogs if there’s someone stuck at the bottom of a well?
Whenever my car won’t start I open the hood so I can have a good look at all the things I don’t understand.