Be your mom’s favorite by not having to make her count to three.
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When my neighbor’s bed starts rhythmically hitting the wall, I like to drum back. Last night, we had a real jam session going.
[to wife on phone] yes spend all our life savings on honey
W: but-
PLS JUST DO IT
*ends phonecall*
BEAR [holding gun to my head]: u did good
Please help settle an argument between me and my wife:
I say it’s weird she dresses Mr Whiskers and Fluffykins in different outfits every day, and wheels them around town in a stroller
She says it’s more weird that I insisted on giving those names to our kids.
Spanish for wife – “esposa”
Spanish for handcuffs – “esposas”
Well played, Spanish
Expressing laughter as “tee-hee” is only acceptable in written form.
Everybody knows that.
I am far too familiar with the bathroom floor to ever be judgemental of anyone else’s life decisions.
the era of facebook check-ins was nothing but toxic chaos for our friendships. like what do you mean you’re at cvs without me.
ccaannnn ssommmeeonnee ttelllll mmmeeee hoowww ttooo ttuurnnn tthiissss ffuckkinnng vviibbrratttoorrrrr ooffff
Parentz Bop
-Here We Come A Tattling
-Deck The Walls With Permanent Markers
-Jingle Bells My Teen Smells
-Hark The Kids Are Out Of Bed
-All I Want For Christmas Is You To Stop Fighting
-God Rest Ye Tired Parents
-It’s Beginning To Look A lot Like Christmas Is Cancelled
[first day as a doctor]
patient: how bad is it
me: [forgetting the word for spine] you broke your bone rope
COP: let’s see some ID sir
ME: *hands him the little sticker from my lemon*
COP: this ain’t gonna cut it bud
ME: fine *hands him the lemon*
Be back in a few days. Gotta shave my legs for spring. But, before I go, what’s the best way to sharpen hedge trimmers?
China spy balloon:
“We’re trying to contact you about your car’s extended warranty.”
70% of playing catch with my boys is just them waiting until I yawn to chuck the ball directly at my face.
Well well well… looks like someone put on some weight again.
~ my pants right now
wife & I started scheduling date night between midnight & 7am, we just sleep the whole time, but at least we’re doing something together
There’s a whole world of people out there!
*closes the door*
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I bet i could still be a stuntman
[Breaks a hip getting off the couch]
Okay maybe not
Women’s Magazines:
Pg 1. You’re beautiful and perfect just the way you are
Pg 2. How to lose 20kg in 10 days.
I applied for a government job today and accidentally sent the wrong resume. This early display of incompetence should work in my favor.
50% of Roger Federer‘s name is “er”
Lately *certain* individuals have been making very hurtful remarks about my personal choice to wear mittens rather than gloves.
But I don’t like to point fingers.
*pregnant wife wakes up*
I think my water broke
*I hide the Kool-Aid packet and water jug I spilled in bed*
Let’s go to the hospital
My bear’s diarrhoea problems are starting to worry me. The vet says he’s getting better but he’s not out of the woods yet.
When I go on a successful first date I always ask to go back to her place not cuz I wanna have sex but to see if she buried the guy before me in her yard
Alien: This is candy corn?
Me: Yeah
A: But it doesn’t look like-
Me: I know
A: And it tastes like-
Me: I know
A: So this is kinda like grape soda
Me: There ya go
Instacart: We are out of soap, would you like this substitute item?
Energy bar
If i had $5 for every time I said up yours to someone, my butler would be saying it for me.