the human has been working from home the last couple days. and every so often. they let me participate in the video calls. all the other humans cheer when they see me. i am the only thing holding their company together
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Telling people to ban same sex marriage cuz of your religion is like telling the supermarket to stop selling junk food cuz you’re on a diet.
I hate when I skip lunch and come home and inhale my kitchen
*God, watching me lying in bed while eating a pile of doritos I spilled on my chest*
probably could’ve just made that one a mollusk
My neighbor thinks that the coyotes are back. When should I tell her that it was just 11 running around the backyard howling at the moon for no reason?
I save my pooping for when I’m at work so I can say “I can’t believe I get paid for this shit!”
Hey Young Girls, when a first date suggests you two go to “your place”, take him to Target.
Though this is probably not what Nietzsche had in mind, you cannot unsee this
Me: Should we watch WandaVision?
Wife: She’s probably too young to understand it
3: *draws a rune on the wall*
Thanks, spell check, that’s what I meant: Edgar Allen Pie.
ME: nice fanny pack u weirdo
KANGAROO: *puts phone in pouch, pulls out a knife*
ME: holy shit
I have learned to accept that my parents are “Santa,” but I still have no idea how they get to all those other houses.
No your muscles are too big. I don’t want a boyfriend who makes me exercise.
Based on their reaction, I must of nailed the nude pole dancing portion of my interview at the fire department today.
Me: What’s strange today may be normal tomorrow.
Home Depot employee: Sir, stop varnishing your body.
my kids are suddenly asking why the leprechaun didn’t bring them anything or cause any chaos in our house and apparently me yelling “we aren’t Irish!!” isn’t a good enough explanation?
My 20 year old cousin got his own apartment and it’s going pretty well
Not to brag, but I finished an entire book in one sitting. I’m going to need some new crayons.
Him, a vampire: This isn’t going to work.
Her: Is it because my name is Buffy?
Him: Yes.
Her: Hey, don’t hate the slayer, hate the name.
Since I’m working on the pool this weekend, might as well bring this one back.
[varnishing an old rocker]
keith richards: what the hell man
i’m the girl your mom warned you about… long nails, big eyes, purple tongue, green skin. i’m reptar. i’m reptar from rugrats.
“I farms the taters…”
“…and I mashes the taters.”
shoutout to everyone trying to look busy instead of working the final hours before a holiday weekend
[in deep space]
Everyone: [in hypersleep]
Me: [wakes up every few hours to pee]
“Go ahead, caller. . .”
“Yes, hello. My dog dug up a femur and I’d like to make soup. Would you suggest carrots or potatoes?”
“Stuff that alligator in that dolphin” – God creating sharks
True statement👍😏😁
yea so i messed up lol
If I were a music critic I would write things like, “He really steered that car into the driveway” or “Her music makes me want to eat a quality pizza”
[First Date]
HER: I love dogs.
ME: [Trying to impress her] Waiter, give us your finest Labrador – medium rare.