Safety inspector: I found two major issues with your Death Star. For one thing, there are no railings.
Grand Moff Tarkin: We believe railings would detract from the austerity of our bottomless chasms.
Safety inspector: That brings us to my second issue…
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I always end up at the store behind people who’ve never been to a store.
Since I’m not a doctor, my Indian mom is rage thanking the medical professionals
Narrator: Here we see the
Me: Here we see the
N:…gazelle in
M: the nature program narrator
N: THE GAZELLE IN ITS
M: WHOSE FOREHEAD VEIN IS
Librarian: Can I help you?
Me: Yeah, I’m looking for a book about-
Librarian: Being psychic?
Me: No…
Librarian: One day that will work.
Cars should have a thing where if you drive around with your blinker on for too long, they explode.
At the grocery. Wearing my mask. Lady behind me, snarky & loud enough to make sure I heard, “don’t guess she realizes that stupid mask won’t do any good.” Me: “Honey, I’m an off duty nurse, I’m wearing it to protect YOU. But, I can take it off if you’d like.” She practically ran.
Most people don’t know this, but the North only won the Civil War because the South got half an inch of snow and they lost their damn minds.
[I see a cute girl reading a novel]
“Hi there. I couldn’t help but notice-”
*points at book*
“That you support the murder of trees.”
We do it every night.
Annoy each other.
My wife wants me to take a walk with her today. I’ll be on a short leash though so I won’t run off into the woods like last time.
The Sumerians may have invented writing, but the T-Rex invented shorthand.
Extremely suspicious that there’s no information about brains that didn’t come from a brain
What did the drummer call his twin daughters?
Anna one, Anna two….
I’m still laughing .
*washing car*
Neighbor: “You washing your car?”
Me: “No. I’m watering it to see if it grows into a bus.”
I starting to think putting a lime in a coconut and drinking it all up isn’t even actual medical advice.
The barista can’t deal with the man’s ‘Don’t talk to me until I’ve had my coffee’ shirt.
Her mouth opens, then closes.
The line grows.
Do you think the rattlesnake is ever embarrassed that he has a stupid baby toy at the end of his string body
Everyone is thinking about who they’ll kiss at midnight, and all I can think about is meatballs.
I’ve got a joke about Sean Connery’s brother’s attractive daughter. It’s pretty niche.
When I sit down and the toilet seat is warm, I like to imagine someone rubbed a freshly baked loaf of bread on it.
Don’t ruin this for me!
The only drawback to having your groceries delivered is now an unknown number people know my cake habits.
Welcome to your fifties, you take the elevator instead of the stairs now and you still pull a muscle.
*kidnapping Beyoncé* got your Knowles
“Rolls Royce” is my favorite car that sounds like an Australian describing a sushi chef
You’re in his DMs, I’m outside his window with a JBL speaker streaming Taylor Swift.
Brain: You’re getting older.
Heart: No!! Age is just a number!!
Nose Hair: Shut up guys, I’m in charge now.
Oh, you climbed Mt. Everest?
Well, I live with 4 teenagers and ALL the laundry in the house is clean AND folded.
.
“Let me be clear” the sliding glass door said as I face planted it.
i once saw a pigeon on the subway & it got off at the financial district & all i could think was “cool. that bird makes more money than me”
You can tell a lot about a person by how many pet possums they have.