“I mean if you do the math the most weight I can really gain from the pound of pumpkin pie I ate tonight is only one pound” I thought fatly.
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kids are fun because the only time they stop eating is when you put effort into making meals for them
I loved Saint Patrick’s day in Boston it was like if everyone got a concussion during the purge. One year I lost my keys in a pub and a guy gave me one of his keys to make me feel better
I want to be a lighthouse keeper who doesn’t go mad but instead maintains a healthy balance between making sure the light stays lit and my friends and family understand they come first unless I have to change the lightbulb.
It’s not a dog if it fits in your handbag.
Man: dog is my best friend
Dog: man is aight I guess
Coworker: don’t you hate it when you get so busy you forget to eat?
Me: imma stop you right there
detective: this’ll make you talk
suspect: a banana?
detective: *starts chewing*
suspect: *crying* omg peel it
7yo: Daddy, I love you too!
Me: Aw, I love you too!
7yo: No, I said “I love YouTube”
I’ve never been as disappointed as my dog just was when she realized the food I dropped was a carrot.
HER: I love Deadpool
ME: I love Dead Pool
HER: Oh, cool, you read comics too?
ME: *staring out at pond where I toss victims’ bodies* Hmm?
If the characters can come alive in Toy Story, then why can’t my dishwasher play cleanup while I’m gone.
*Hears loud noise*
Me: What are y’all doing?
5yo: Nothing. We’re not messing with bowling balls!
RIP that guy in the audience of the eric clapton unplugged session whose head literally exploded when he realized the song was “layla”
bringing a sharpie to IKEA and adding more dots to the names of their products
When’s dinner?
-My kids an hour after finishing Thanksgiving dinner
I got myself a wrap on my way home at 2am & a girl outside stopped me and said “my boyfriend’s stormed off. do you want his chips?” and she gave them to me and got in her uber alone and sped away into the night. i miss her.
axl rose is morphing more and more into elon musk and i am uncomfortable
ME: hey guys what’s the herps?
HIM: u mean haps?
M: oh, haha yea. what’s the itch?—I mean sitch
H: uh
M: hows it herpin?
H:
M: I have herpes
Why is “goodnight” one word, but “good morning” a lie?
Me: Everyone has that one restaurant they’re embarrassed to walk into when it’s daylight
Taco Bell employee, from across the street: Hey Adam!
Me: *runs away*
goddammit a coworker followed me on twitter.
i’m not talking about you barbara you’re super cool.
Me: I published a cookbook of casserole recipes called “Top It With Crushed Potato Chips!”
God: Ahhh ok yeah. That makes sense then. Welcome!
Here’s the complete list of must have items for a middle aged woman when travelling away from home:
– Tweezers
13YO: gonna fire up the grill tonight fam? let’s goooo!
ME: *listening to the hail while lightning strikes the tree in the backyard*
13YO: wut?
The most dangerous piece of machinery a person can operate while drinking is the telephone
Before 40: stretch to prevent injury
After 40: injure self during stretching
My wife got an organic, free-range, non-GMO, antibiotic-free turkey for Thanksgiving — and every one of those adjectives added 20 bucks.
Your call will be answered in the order in which we draw names from a hat.
Running barefoot, the morning’s dew cool on my feet. My hair flows in the August breeze and I carry with me treasures from my past. I look to the horizon and I see him, my hero. And I smile. For today is Recycling Day and I’ve made it to the curb on time.
My 6 year old told me to look in his room because someone stole his toys. When I looked, his room was the tidiest it has ever been with all toys put away. He then laughed and said “April fools! I pranked you!”