My favorite childhood memory is not having a job.
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Let鈥檚 normalize throwing bouquets at funerals to see whose next.
I tell people I rearrange my furniture to change things up, but we all know it鈥檚 to annoy my husband
Ah yes, it鈥檚 that time of year where TurboTax threatens me to use their services, else they鈥檒l bring me to financial ruin
I drain the spaghetti in the colander and every single piece slides perfectly through the holes
I love meeting people whose three kids’ names are gibberish but whose dog is named Steve.
Cat: What are you doing?
Me: Nothing.
Cat: You were looking at younger cats again.
Me: No
Cat: Show me your Instagram feed.
Me: No way.
Can you imagine how awkward it would be if your pet went on your phone and saw the hundreds of pictures you鈥檝e taken of them sleeping..
Just tested the structural integrity of a door frame with my face. It’s pretty solid.
This woman ahead of me…Will. Not. Shut. Up. Never mind. That’s a mirror.
[staff meeting]
“Ya so heads up, someone grabbed my lunch from the fridge, and there’s a 420% chance you shouldn’t eat the brownie inside”
9 out of 10 wives agree their husbands are always wrong and the other one just doesn’t wanna talk about it right now.
Waldo has a tough time at the gym because no one spots him
in a home invasion my attacker goes for a knife in the kitchen drawers but it’s jammed by the potato masher and I make my escape
not to brag, but mine was free
Him: I’m attracted to bad girls
Me: *changes lanes without signaling*
Not saying dogs are better than kids in every aspect; but good luck finding a kid willing to lick up his own vomit.
Half a league, half a league, half a league onward…
Justice League, confused: So like, which half?
Aquaman: *stares into the valley of death*
Y’know what? I’ll sit this one out.
me: *sees bags of soil stacked in garden center
brain: slap 鈥榚m, slap 鈥榚m hard
Some days you’re proud of your 6 year old for being such an avid reader, and some days you go into his room to tell him you’re proud of him for being such an avid reader but before you get through the door he looks up from his book and cries out, “be gone, foul beggar!”
Mans got denied a plate and walked off. 馃槀馃槀馃槀
My doctor told me to get my affairs in order. So line up guys, let鈥檚 get you numbered.
How to get out of a car in front of a large crowd of people
Step 1: forget to take your seat belt off
Whenever I meet a new baby, I stand still and let it come up to me and smell my hand first before I try to pet it
JUMP
ING
UP
AND
DOWN
ON
THE
TRAMP
O
LINE
OUT
SIDE
YOUR
WIN
DOW
IS
NOT
HOW
I
WANT
ED
TO
BREAK
UP
WITH
YOU
KAR
EN
Insomnia: Hi
Me: Hi
I: Hope I’m disturbing you
M: You are
I: You know what we could do?
M: Let me sleep?
I: HA, no, let’s think about hippos
We brought home a betta fish, and I鈥檝e officially spent more time deciding it鈥檚 name than I did naming the kids
*brings elephant to knife fight
*nobody talks about it
My Boyfriend hates it when we role play and I’m the Doctor cause I make him wait 3 hours bill him then send in a med student named Chad.
wife: did you get the kids from daycare?
me: we don’t have any kids
wife: yeah you were supposed to get some
People who talk with your phone on speaker like it’s a Star Trek Communicator –
we’re trying to have a society here. And everyone hates you.