Me: uh oh someone’s under the mistletoe!
Raccoon I’ve cornered in the garage: [hisses angrily]
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I had my year-end evaluation and it went like “You have great substantive legal skills, but you don’t come into the office enough and you don’t attend social events and you don’t regularly answer emails on weekends.” Yes, precisely.
There is no bigger asshole than someone that takes an animal that can fly and puts it in a cage to stand on a stick.
My sexual orientation is definitely Landscape. I dabbled with Portrait but my legs got tired.
I bought a stationary bike last year and, boy oh boy, has it lived up to its name.
I hate when I’m walking around the office and realize that I left my pants hanging on the hook of the bathroom stall door.
I hate my earbuds.
ME: What’s this about?
SECRET SERVICE: We can’t tell you
ME: I can take it
SS: *whispers* Your parents didn’t take your dog to a farm
My child is as cold as ice I wonder where they get that from
Gonna start messing with people in public bathrooms and say “oh I recognize those shoes!”
computer: “save this image as 6606499f1e5c84d7c30.png?”
me: “yea”
Before couples have children, they should walk head-on into a Category 5 hurricane to make sure they’re ready.
There’s never been a single day in my life when I thought to myself ” thank god the cops are here”
Everybody else should be able to wear scrubs to work too.
And for my next trick, I’m going to make this first date the last date.
“Oh, hey! I didn’t even recognize you!” means “I saw you and tried to avoid you, but here you are.”
I like to carry binoculars when hiking so that when I make frequent stops it looks like I’m appreciating nature instead of fighting for air
then why did i get this email
My kid: Ohana means family and family means no body gets left behind
Me: I don’t care what ohana means, you have 5 seconds to get your shoes on or we’re leaving without you
*orders a medium pizza*
*opens box*
PIZZA: I’ve contacted your late grandmother. She wants you to know-
*eats pizza*
*trains 1 million soldier ants*
*gets carried to work*
the woman at the tire store told me today to “come back in a week and get my nuts re-torqued”, without even a hint of a smile on her face
Whenever I get a “Final Notice” letter from a bill collector, I assume this concludes our business transaction.
The most inquisitive of all the dinosaurs was the philosoraptor.
Fun fact: it’s impossible to try to kiss your own neck without looking like you’ve had a stroke
Friend: Don’t you love these new yoga pants? They come with a little pocket for your phone.
Me: Your phone? *quietly stuffs cookies back in pocket*
Own pets. That way no one will ever know who made that terrible smell
I don’t understand how planes work and I’m scared if I think about it too hard the plane will also realise it doesn’t make sense and drop out of the sky 🙁
Upon discovering that the good burger place I wanted to get dinner from is closed today, and feeling that no other place would do, I said, “I do not wish to sully my palate with an inferior burger,” and I sounded like if Mr. Darcy was a foodie throwing a tantrum.
Unpopular opinion: Not all Canadians are sorry
Next on Fox News, men on women’s issues, white men on black issues, rich men discuss the poor and straight men talk about gays.