Who called it a goose wearing a suit and not a propaganda
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“Did you get my text?”
Option 1: No? When did you send it?
2: I was just about to reply
3: Yes, I thought I replied?
4: I typed a reply but didn’t press send
5: I lost all my numbers and didn’t know who it was
6: My phone’s been weird today
7: Yes, need to talk to you about that
Wife: our friends won’t call us back cuz they’re sick of your conspiracy theories and seafood puns
Me: maybe they were all abducted by UFOs, seems awfully fishy to me
I nervously pace around outside hospital delivery rooms so people think I’ve had sex.
My friend was bleeding, and the first aid book told me to apply pressure…
..So I told him if he didn’t stop bleeding right away, he’d die
me: what’s a 3-letter word for compete
dracula: vie
me: for a crossword puzzle
I always take a different store’s tote bags when I go grocery shopping so they don’t get the idea we’re exclusive or anything.
*job interview*
“Tell me about a time when you made a positive impact in your organization.”
I quit
Me: I’m an atheist. Nothing is on purpose. Nihilism 4eva
Also me: *sees my birthday numbers anywhere* this is a sign.
As a husband and father, it troubles me that prisoners are still being given time in solitary confinement when I would gladly pay for some.
My wife must be the slowest reader ever.
I bought her a Kindle last Christmas and she still hasn’t finished it.
Don’t worry if she spells out “I’m fine!” in lighter fluid on your front lawn, but if she lights it… she is definitely lying.
Until I got married I didn’t even know it was possible to chew bubblegum arrogantly.
[BANK ROBBERY]
TELLER: The cops have you surrounded.
ROBBER *red dot zeroes in on his chest*: no no NO!
[He’s taken out by dozens of cats]
Tim Cook announces iPhone charger cord to be long enough to reach a socket, Apple stock price quadruples.
[i get home to find a note on the refrigerator that says “i’m leaving and i’m taking the kids”]
ME: *unplugs fridge from power outlet* you’re not going anywhere you piece of shit
[first date]
me: what’s ur favorite word?her: probably “ethereal,” it means-
me: mine is “shuttlecock.”
Me: Ok kids, vacation time!!
Kids: Yay!
M: See you in a week!
*slams door*Kids: …
Splinter: ok I’ve made some coloured disguises for you all
Donatello: to protect our identities?
Splinter: exactly Raphael
Michaelangelo: lol he’s not Raphael
Splinter: sorry you’re right Leonardo
Raphael: master, that’s not-
Splinter: just put them on please
I tried a push-up once but I decided I really do like lying on my face more.
If a tiger attacks your mother-in-law and your wife at the same time, whom would u save?
Man : Off course, the tiger.. very few are left
Welcome to your 40’s: the waitress is not hitting on you dude.
[restaurant]
waiter: welcome, have you dined here with us before?
me: no but I know how to order food
Where did you come from
Where did you go
Where did you come from
Pokémon Go
*romantically grabs husband’s face*
I will NEVER stop eating your fries.
What a cute baby, what’s her name?
“Ethel”
She’s gonna make a great grandmother
Wife: Have you seen my stilettos?
Me [6 inches taller and struggling to stand]: Uh *stumble* No
Dropped mother-in-law at airport.
Her flight isn’t until Tuesday, but with security and all, best to play it safe.
Ernest Hemingway buys a pair of shoes mail order, but accidentally orders in a baby’s size. He tries to sell them, but no one understands
garlic bread in the oven for 20 minutes:
still needs to bake11 seconds later:
it’s garlic dust now.
“Son, would you like to go to college some day, or would you like to keep ordering guac? Your choice.”