this country is so goddamn polarized
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Grandma complained that with age, her joints were getting weaker.
Told her to just roll them a little tighter.
If I had to list one thing I’m truly outstanding at I think it would be ripping open resealable bags so they are no longer sealable.
Jim: You have a Fantasy Football team?
Me: Guys aren’t my thing. But, Tom Brady’s kinda cute.
Jim: No, I-
Me: Ooh! Cam Newton’s dreamy, too!
my dream is to be involved in a heist and say “uh oh, we’ve got company” when the police arrive
A tartan is what you get when you sunbathe on the asphalt
Why don’t ants get sick?
Because they have antybodies
I have to fast for 48 hours for my upcoming colonoscopy. My husband is not having a colonoscopy, but he will be fasting for 48 hours as well. He just doesn’t know it yet.
[on the club dancefloor]
DATE: *shouting over music* I LIKE A MAN WHO’S… COORDINATED
ME: MY SHIRT MATCHES MY UNDERWEAR
my toddler is intentionally throwing food on the floor and then yelling “UH OH” which is maddening as hell and also uncomfortably reminiscent of my own process in life choices
I prefer to think in terms of “good” cholesterol and “misunderstood” cholesterol.
I once sat down with Oprah to discuss my drug use but I was high & that might not have been Oprah because why did she need to borrow money?
Some people have goals based on a summer body; mine revolve entirely around the weight limit of my beach chairs.
When I found out Carl was a beekeeper I stopped loaning him bees.
Whoa, whoa whoa…
I only lick people on the street when I need them to get out of my way.
Clay shooting is like real life Duck Hunt, right up until you swing your controller around towards the crowd and they’re all like “PUT THE GODDAMN GUN DOWN, Alison!”
Serial killers start their day by eating breakfast at McDonalds. Let me rephrase. They arent serial killers until they order & have to wait.
Not to brag but I just filled up the gas tank and doubled the value of my car
Jurassic Park is my favorite movie about how humans get on everybody’s nerves.
My husband reminding me that Heidi Klum also has 4 kids is going to be the official cause of death on his death certificate.
INTERVIEWER: u put “vodka” as a reference
ME: oh I thought it said preference
Me: I am so mad that people show so little respect to-
Him: yeah yeah women I know relax I respect women
Me: *was going to say Hufflepuffs* women, right
White girl frustrated in the 1700’s:
“I shan’t even”
Sorry random child at the playground that my daughter just invited to her birthday party 4 months from now. It’s never going to happen.
asked the wife is she thought me getting that folding phone was a good idea and she said if you wanna fold something try the laundry so the foldy phone ain’t happening apparently
Bladder: I have to go
Laziness: Hang in there, champ
Me, on phone: Hi, I’d like to cancel my account.
Cust Serv Rep: Oh I’m sorry, you’re not an authorized user.
Me: Oh ok, let me go grab my husband
Also me: Hi, this is Nicholas
[watching as my wife throws out a box of miscellaneous cords] no! my legacy
5-year-old: I’ll stop asking you to take our family to Disneyland
Me: You finally understand we can’t afford it
5: You should just send me
No one wants to publish my erratic fiction.
The man who invented PIN numbers and ATM machines has died.
May he RIP in peace.