Twitter’s original name was “Sentence Contest”
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a bottle of cyanide labeled GHOST PILLS
“Because I got high” is actually a song about pilots, who go to high altitudes in their planes every day, and have good reason for not doing all those things in the song.
Me *walks in a perfectly straight line and then smiles at cop* told you I could do it!
Cop: you’re still getting arrested for murder though
There are only two stories: A man goes on a journey and is sacrificed by spooky children to the corn god, or a stranger comes to town and is sacrificed by spooky children to the corn god.
People who hate candy corn love telling you.
Cheat on me, you can’t even have cold water. A legend.
Me: Alexa, did I take too much Benadryl?
Hockey puck:
[Grocery Store]
Wife: Why do we need 12 baskets?
Me: *takes idioms very literally* One for each egg.
Cop: Know why I pulled you over?
“No”
Cop: *points* Your buck naked
[turns to deer in passenger seat] “Jesus Frank, put your fur back on”
I didn’t know my apartment shared a wall with the elevator shaft until someone got off in my bedroom.
Get your relatives speaking to one another again by sending a heartfelt Christmas card with a picture of your family with an extra child nobody knows.
ZzzQuil should come with a warning label saying “May cause you to wake up naked at a 7 Eleven while everyone is staring at you.”
My 6yo just told me that because I need music to get motivated that makes me ‘radioactive’
Lots of stores are gonna close as a result of this. That means there will be roughly 700% more Spirit of Halloween stores come October
Me: “Listen, whatever they’ve offered you to kill me, I’ll double it.”
Them: “All they offered was the experience and exposure.”
Me: “…oh no. The influencer mafia.”
If I post camping pics I’m being held against my will
My current situation
Sneak into the employee bathroom at Target and make some violent alien noises, maybe leave a jellyfish in the toilet
Airport security asked me if I’ve seen anything unusual…I just paid $18 for a coke & a ham sandwich…Let’s start with that.
*coworker stares at me as I unpack lunch*
Me: leave
CW: why?
Me: I’m never bringing a banana to work again, okay Todd!?!?
This Slow Jaywalker Thinks The Driver Of The Oncoming Car Values Human Life More Than Proving A Point, What Happens Next Will Surprise Him!
My wife & I couldn’t agree on which psychic to go to. They were all sad and depressing.
“What did you do?”
We finally found a happy medium
i eat one snickers a day to build up immunity in case someone tried to kill me with snickers
santa can deliver all those presents in one night because he’s mainlining that panera lemonade
I just had a second grader do an impression of his dad, which included the statement, “I was born in 1990 and I had to grow up watching black and white tv because color tv wasn’t invented yet.”
Sir. 😑
I’m creating a new perfume for introverts.
It’s called: Leave Me The Fu Cologne.
Tomorrow is my company’s office holiday potluck. I really hope they like the french fries I found between my car seat
colleges: i’m going to put you in so much debt you can’t even breathe
also colleges: *teary voice* what do you mean you won’t donate to our alumni fund
My daughter left for work & asked me to hide the last piece of her cake she made yesterday from her sister & her dad, but who’s going to hide it from me?
The existence of Kylo Ren implies the existence of Kylo Stimpy.