When I die i’m donating half my body to science and half my body to a magician
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I just saw a man wearing a hat with bells on giving a rose to his wife which seemed like a romantic jester
Pessimist: it’s half empty
Optimist: it’s half full
Me, taking huge sip: is there half a sandwich too?
What if Baby Shark was by Lady Gaga? 🦈⚡️
GF: every time we fight you start interpretive dancing
*i dance beautifully for 12 minutes*
GF: I DONT KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS!
Don’t cry because it’s over, scowl because you had to participate.
If I arrive at your party and you ask me to help cut up the pineapple, I’m mad at you.
How many of these sleep podcasts started as just regular podcasts before the host came to the harsh realization that their show was dull so they pivoted
Me: *on safari naked*
Elephant: *staring* how do you eat with that thing?
Netflix: Because you watched that one movie that had Christmas lights in the background of a scene, here are 37 Netflix original holiday movies you might enjoy…
Seductively sings in Klingon.
Has anyone ever died from waiting for a group of people to decide what they want to eat.
keep your friends close but your smartphone closer
“Behold, a 3 headed cat” “um, its just 3 cats taped together” “Behold, a 12 legg…*tape rips, one cat runs away*..errr 8 legged cat.”
You don’t want to see me when you’re angry.
Flight attendant: Can I get you something to drink?
Me: What kind of gravy do you have?
Son: Who do you love more, me or my brother?
Me: Impossible for me to answer. That’s like me asking who you love more, me or your –
Son: Mom!
I love giving a little kid the tongue, and then watching him run to his mother holding the severed tongue I just gave him.
“This place needs to be sticky, wall to wall.”
-Every 2 year old with a Popsicle.
Someone found my missing homemade scarf, but they’ll only let me have it back if I pass a pattern- knitty test.
I want a man that loves to play video games, loves to watch sports, loves to hang out with his friends, loves to spend time with his family, loves to read, has a full time job, and who enjoys having time to himself. Basically, I need someone who will leave me alone constantly.
This donut scented car air freshener is going to pay for itself next time I get pulled over.
I finished my iced coffee even though all of the ice had melted, so I’m really crushing my water intake today
For as much as they teach you “Stop, Drop, and Roll” as a kid, I really expected to be on fire at least once in my life.
{After Eclipse}
Kid: Now can I stare at the sun?
Lawyer: Is there any chance they’ll find the victim’s DNA on your clothes?
Me: No way, I used a lint roller.
Lawyer: Wait what?
Me: Yeah just *pantomiming a lint roller*
*Pizza Hut job interview*
“Do you own a shitty car and smoke pot?”
No sir.
“You will.”