If you feed me & have the heat on high, I will fall asleep on you. So to have a much more interesting date with me keep me hungry and cold
You Might Also Like
In my 20s: I’ll show them
In my 30s: I probably won’t show them
Will I understand Se7en if I didn’t see 1ne though Si6?
dinosaur: [walks out of divorce court to find a parking ticket on his car] ugh this day can’t get any wor
2010 Drive-by: Someone wants you dead.
2020 Drive-by: It’s probably your birthday.
[leaving a party]
HOST (holding 2 identical coats): which is urs
ME: does 1 have a corn dog in its pocket
H: ya
M (suspiciously): mine had 2
Instead of using the same password everywhere, I use multiple variations of the same password where I replace one letter with a special character or number, add extra letters and so on
This is super secure and protects all my accounts from ever being logged into by ME……😂😂
Single in your 20s: help your friends move
Married w/kids in your 40s: help your friends haha jk you don’t have friends
i got you a candy necklace for a present but then something happened so i got you this string instead
I have never flown first class. Does the food just taste better because you get to lie down while you eat it?
I’m THIS MANY drunk!!
*holds up waffle*
STOP FLIRTING WITH YOUR UNCLE AT YOUR WEDDING WITH YOUR COUSIN #HouseOfTheDragon
Parents: don’t give your child the answers to his homework. He needs to learn on his own that you don’t know what you’re talking about.
KID: I drew you a picture!
ME: What’s this?
KID: Our house.
ME: What’s the orange stuff?
KID: Fire.
ME: Why’s the house on fire?
KID: I want a PS4.
I’m like 4% cute and 98% bad at math.
All I’m saying is no one ever country westerns you like a hurricane.
Did anyone ask the daylight if it wanted to be saved?
Life hack: McDonald’s will deliver if you tell them that you are holding Ronald hostage for a ransom of [your desired food order]
“Hot, lo-cal singles in your area!”
– Diet ads for Cannibals
[cow learning about humans drinking goat milk]
um hey you know those guys eat like tin cans and stuff right…
At the polling station. Bodes well for Labour – loads of young people here. Or I might possibly be at the wrong primary school.
Oh, so when a survivor takes an arrow to the head, it’s a “tragedy.”
But when a zombie get hit, it’s a “good kill.”
Hypocrites.
Keanu Reeves: THERE’S A BOMB ON THE BUS! IF WE GO UNDER 50MPH WE’LL EXPLODE!
Me: [while maintaining eye contact, presses “Next Stop” signal]
[universe where we use wormholes to deliver food]
*a potato flies thru the wormhole and hits my son Blent in the face*
Me: stay sharp Blent
Me: Do you want some more toast?
3yo: Yes
Me: Pardon?
3yo: Yes
Me: Yes, what?
3yo: ……
Me: What’s the magic word?
3yo: Abracadabra
No offense but why do birds even have feet? Seems greedy.
[me as a disc jockey]
me: call in with any requests
*phone rings*
me: you’re on the air
caller: please stop playing mambo number 5
[going to the gym for the first time ever] Forgive me trainer for I have sinned, it has been 37 years since I’ve worked out
*goes back in time*
*goes forward in time*
*goes back in time*
*goes forward in time*
*goes back in time*
*goes forward in time*– parallel parking a time machine
Leonardo Dicaprio is like driving in a school zone. You don’t go above twenty-five.