WHAT’S UP WITH ALL THE SILENT TREATMENT?!
~me, drunk, at a wax museum
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first date idea we go to marriage counseling
When a raccoon stands up and cracks his knuckles, stop shaving him immediately.
[opening birthday presents]
me: …is this another dead cat?schrödinger: *way too excited* we don’t know until you open it!
There’s someone in our team who behaves horribly to me and whenever I have to type his name, I’ve taken to using a slightly smaller font size than for everyone else’s
#RubbishJokes
My girlfriend told my that she wanted peace and quiet whilst cooking.So I took the batteries out of the smoke alarm.
“How about a month filled with stress and obligation?” – Pitch for December
I hate it when people call me judgemental
Especially people wearing shoes like that
“Good morning, this is your pilot speaking”
…
“AND THIS IS YOUR PILOT SHOUTING”
…
“and this is your pilot doing some sick beatboxing”
It’s important to set an alarm the first day of school, so you remember to pick up the kids
I start each day with a green smoothie. Wait, no, the bartender’s saying it’s called a “Mojito.”
[touring our solar system]
alien: so they named all their planets after their gods?
guide: all but one
alien: what’s better than gods?
guide: *checks notes* dirt
Just hit a racist with my car. Probably a racist. I feel like he was. Statistically, very likely. Oh so you think there’s no racism problem?
Captain America: I got the alert, what’s the emergency?
Avengers: Well, it’s snowing, so…
CA [handing over shield]: Last time! Buy a sled!
[girlfriend sleeping over for the first time]
HER: This is nice.
ME: You need to move to the couch. My dog sleeps on that side.
OUCH I HAVE A FOOT CRAMP
You’re dehydrated
[Walks on toes]
Drink some water
[Crawls on knees]
Drink water
[Lays on floor]
Water-
[Dies]
*watches an extremely cute guy flirt with an equally cute girl at the gym from the floor above like an old witch on a mountain*
99 times out of ten, I’m making shit up.
Wife: what are you doing?
Me: rewatching Frozen.
Wife: why?
Me: so I know what’s going on when I take our Daughter to see Frozen II.
Wife: why?
Me: so we can talk about both movies on the drive home.
Wife: why?
Me: cause she loves Frozen and I want to share this with her.
What if your girlfriend had a British accent but not the good one, the Jack the Ripper one
If Romeo & Juliet didn’t die and were allowed to marry, they’d have kids, get fat, and eventually hate each other.
So it was a happy ending
Got asked to be godfather of my niece, so if anything happens to her parents then someone else has to take care of her because I said no
The most disappointing moment of my adult life was when I found out a vaporizer is an e-cigarette and not a death ray that vaporizes people.
I’m not surviving a horror movie…first of all, I’m not running anywhere
Microwave safe? It doesn’t seem like a sensible place to keep your valuables.
This alphabet soup that I spilled on the floor is still more coherent than most Pitbull lyrics.
*curtsying before the royal duck court*
M’allard!
Kids. Because who else is willing to stampede through the house sounding like an overweight elephant while also only weighing 30 pounds?
[Murder mystery dinner]
ACTOR: The inn keeper was found mutilated in a broom closet.
ME: (from the back of the room) When’s dinner?
[grocery store]
MOM: omg where’s my kid??!
KIDNAPPER: [retired] cereal aisle
MOM: oh thank heavens