When did they decide that every razor had to look like a piece that fell off a Transformer?
You Might Also Like
When someone asks if I have any hobbies
Boss: Where’d you go??
Me: I got all the way up front and realized I forgot my pen.
Boss: Okay?
Me: So I went to lunch.
PRO TIP: If a girl in a hot bikini DMs you about crypto, ignore him.
People keep asking Me why I created mosquitoes. To bite you repeatedly and give you malaria, that’s why.
I hear you calling out to me. I miss you too! Soon baby, soon!
– me to my bed.
In an alternate universe, an alligator is wearing a shirt with a tiny picture of me sewn on it.
somewhere a san francisco divorce lawyer is about to have a very exciting day
I bought a baby monitor, because someone told me it would be useful.
But it just sits around basking in the sun and eating flies.
*Hums Every Breath You Take in grocery line
*Gets arrested for stalking 3 people
[The inventor of the hot air balloon]
You know what we need under this hot blazing fire, a wicker basket
God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the strength to shave my legs.
My kids may not be the most polite or well behaved, but they’re also not the most helpful
The key to a successful marriage is a sense of humor. For example, I make a joke about my husband and he laughs, and he makes a joke about me and I get the bed all to myself.
well, this sucks. apparently anti bird spikes work on you even if you’re not a bird but just like sitting high
I’m going to go out on a limb here and fall off obviously.
Wife: don’t forget to pick the kids up from school
Me: it’s Saturday, they’re both upstairs
Wife: it’s Wednesday & we have 3 kids
My cell phone fell in the pool…now I know what it feels like to have someone you love drown.
When buying presents I like to think, what would Jesus have got you?
So yeh, enjoy your fish sandwich.
British people be like I’m Bri ish
Me: I got the birthday cake for our son
Wife: It says Happy 3rd Birthday Josh
Me: oh shit he’s gonna be 4 isn’t he
Wife: His name is Jake
[father and son riding bikes together]
dad, how’d you get so good?
[doing a wheelie] I’ve had a lot of DUIs
A guy tried to flirt with me so I gestured to my wedding ring, but I’d forgotten to wear it so he thought I wanted him to propose. It turned out that worked even better at getting rid of him.
Some people don’t know the opposites to these words:
1. Always
2. Coming
3. From
4. Take
5. Me
6. Down
I think it’s safe to say that I’ve earned my gray thumb. My rock garden is blooming like crazy.
Don’t try to sell a membership to the president of the fan club.
Just learned that land on earth was covered in moss for 40 million years. Imagine getting to one million years of just moss thinking that you gotta be done with moss any day now and then you learn it’s 39 million more years of moss
*Brings axe to slumber party*
“Oops. I thought you said ‘lumber party'”
*Knew the whole time*
*Waits until they’re asleep*
*Chops down tree*
Silence is golden. Unless they’re in the shower and you can’t find their phone.
In that case, silence is very very suspicious!
Me: Can you believe someone on Facebook is trying to sell a bucket of old screws?
Husband:
Me:
Husband: How much?
Me: Do you want to meet your sisters at the bus stop?
5: *doesn’t look up* I already know them.