My husband changed his brand of boxers for the first time in 35 years. I feel like I’m having an affair.
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Men, start giving your partners more inventive compliments. “You have the sort of face that a Victorian novelist would describe as amiable.” “You could play Tony Blair’s wife in a movie starring Timothee Chalamet.” Try it!
my favorite thing about Sesame Street is that everyone’s more concerned about Oscar being a grouch than the fact a vampire lives there
To pay a bill, press 1. To awaken ravenous tentacled horrors that slumber in the void between worlds, press 2. To hear your balance press 3.
God’s son died single, but he’ll help you find your match on Christian Mingle.
me: this english class is stupid who needs grammar
{ 15 years later }
me, leaning to lawyer: what the hell is a sentence
Why do eyes have little mustaches? And other things that vex me late at night.
Twitter basically:
Person: “These socks are itchy.”
Other people:
“That’s not true. I have socks that aren’t itchy.”
“You shouldn’t generalize about socks.”
“Some people need itchy socks. Stop crapping on them.”
“First-world foot problems.”
“The real problem is shoes.”
I’m not mad, I’m just frustrated.
-people that are about to start ugly crying
If you’re ever lost in the woods and have a compass, the compass can help you be lost more north.
not reading the comments on ads is a crime tbh
interviewer: the job starts at 30k but in a year you’ll be making $40k
me: *gets up* ok see you then
my cousin’s baby is due tomorrow & my grandma keeps checkin her phone for news. waitin for the baby 2 text her like “im here lol. from baby”
me: they recommend to relieve stress to walk away from your desk to take a walk
boss: ok but you’ve been gone for 4 days
people should stop trying to drive the biggest cars and start trying to drive the goofiest shaped cars. i want to drive a car in the shape of a pizza slice
wife: im sick of him jeopardizing our marriage
therapist: how do you respond to that kyle?
me: ill take susan is being a huge baby for $600
Just accidentally swallowed some Listerine. Expecting a minty fresh poop in the near future.
Health insurance so bad, snitches only get bandaids
This fish is cracking me up
“There are enough donuts here to last a lifetime!” thought Jerome, his nose twitching with excitement. Three hours later, he found himself sprawled on his back in a shallow puddle of milk at the bottom of the bowl, staring at the ceiling, feeling overwhelmed by shame and regret.
I’ve been up for 20 hours. There’s no way I could perform surgery right now. Mainly, because I have no medical training.
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if every time a message in blood appeared on a wall it was something constructive like IS THAT WHAT YOU’RE WEARING?
me: how much for the boquet of dogs
girl walking dogs: huh
me: *slipping her $5* how about now
[9 PM, Sunday night]
Child: Oh. I need to bring in 36 cupcakes to school tomorrow.
I respect the guy who drives his Blue BMW through the White Castle drive thru. It’s like he’s saying: “I’m better than you—but not by much.”
If it looks like a duck & swims like a duck & talks like an angry duck policeman, then you about to fail a sobriety test son
My 89 year old mom asked if I was on that “Tic-tac-toe” site.
Hot pies in your area want you to snatch them off the windowsill
me, drunk, into the thermostat: alexa, how do i charge my milk when it’s at 2%?
i hate it when im tryna spell a word and autocorrect can’t either
They sent a cardboard detective to investigate.