That’s shocking!! Hold on.
*quickly draws overly arched eyebrows*
Ok. Go on.
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Boss: Can I see you in my office?
Me *trying to suppress laugh as I put on my camo jacket* you can try
“Go ahead, caller. . .”
“Yes, hello. My dog dug up a femur and I’d like to make soup. Would you suggest carrots or potatoes?”
glorious crime spree after being fired from wal mart., expertly hopping fences, chugging all the seeds out of my neighbors bird feeders,
If someone asks you a question you don’t want to answer just say, “I don’t know. I ran into a sliding glass door and knocked myself out, and now I’m having trouble remembering things.” That will get them off your back for a week.
I made a ton of jokes about swine flu, but then I got swine flu. And as they rushed me to the hospital, I honestly thought I was going to die. So I used what little energy I had left to send this final text to a friend: “Make sure they serve pork at my funeral.”
I consider myself Christlike in that I refuse to believe my parents ever had sex with each other.
Who puts a banana in their pocket anyway
nobody:
90’s boybands:
(-(-_(-_-)_-)-)
Hilarious if literal: arms race
I’m trying to eliminate negativity from my life so Monday’s will now be Taco Tuesday eve until further notice
My teenagers are watching Jaws for the first time and laughing.
LAUGHING.
When I saw Jaws for the first time I didn’t even go swimming in a pool for 3 years.
Buying a well is money well spent.
True
Welcome to your 50’s.
I thought I saw a werewolf in my bathroom this morning then realized I forgot to pluck that one crazy chin hair.
Happy Halloween!
When the horse rides back into camp without the rider, it’s never good news, but no one ever suspects the horse.
If a tree falls in the forest and no one hears it, maybe that’s where your kid should be practicing the trumpet.
“Oh. My. God.” – the first duck to eat bread.
I’m thinking about giving up sugar.
Ok. I’m done thinking about it.
Q: How do you stop an astronaut’s baby from crying?
A: You rocket!
#HatDadJoke
i can’t believe my little brother is a father we used to have to hide beans in the higher up cabinets so he wouldn’t shove them up his nose
Friends: Want to hang out this weekend?
Me: No, I have big plans this weekend.
My Plans:
told my boyfriend I was going to start my period and he said, “AGAIN??”
it’s like, you know what, you’re right, I’m cancelling my subscription.
My cats won’t talk to me because I came home late from work.
If I was a judge, I’d keep a pile of walnuts with me on the table at all times. If I’m gonna use the gavel, I might as well eat some delicious walnuts.
[Biden runs into the oval office]
“Barack, ISIS are on the phone. They want a shipment of updog. I asked what it is but they just laughed”
[at the pool]
4: mama, why are we hiding our stuff?
Me: so nobody steals it
4: but bandits wear black and white. We can see them coming.
Me: most thieves dress like regular people
4: but then you can take off their costumes and you’ll see the black and white
Me as a detective:
[analyzes evidence with magnifying glass]
[evidence catches on fire]
no no no no
me: thinking about getting into necrophilia
her: over my dead body
me: that’s the spirit
I was not prepared for the back-to-school chaos this morning. “GRAB YOUR LUNCHES AND GET OUT OF MY HOUSE!” was something I said. Along with, “Have a great first day sweethearts! I will miss you so much!” Being one of my kids must be so confusing. Mommy loves you but please go.
Natalie Imbruglia: I thought I saw a man brought to life. He was warm, he came around like he was dignified
Him: