Someone just told me to “have a blessed day.”
What do you even say to someone like that? I just hissed at them.
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My husband was yelling my name and I was yelling back “I’m in the basement” and my daughter started yelling “Can everyone stop yelling?” and my son then yelled “Why is everyone yelling?” and this is how we bond as a family.
what if you thought you had met your soul mate but then you saw them put mayonnaise on a hotdog
half of halloween decorations are “what if a pumpkin could smile :)” and the other half is “would you like to see a clown stab a dog”.
Doctor: You need a kidney transplant.
Me: A transplant?
Dr: Don’t worry, I’ve never lost a patient. I know where each one is buried.
Me:
Not really getting much out of this Bring Your Daughter to Work Day, to be honest. It’s almost as if my 6yo had never used PowerPoint before
Her: Are you a dog person or a cat person?
Me: …
H: …
M: …
H: Why are you hesitating?
M: I’m not sure which answer will get me laid.
“We will wed,” I threatened
Daughter: He found a garter snake
Mom: Oh crap, if he names it he’ll want to keep-
Dad: *walking in the door* Welcome home, Hiss Pratt
Mom: Damn it
The only way I’d want to watch a video of you pouring a bucket of ice water over your head is if you promise you drown at the end.
An opossum is just a regular possum that reenacts the diner scene from When Harry Met Sally.
Putting all my mental health eggs in the daily word game basket.
Me: My wife says I never pay attention
Her: I’m not your wife
paparazzi followed me 2 a shoot so I tried 2 think what I could do that would yield the most onion-ish possible headline and it worked haha
Me, being chased by an angry mob with torches and pitchforks: Are you guys mad at me?
It’s confusing how my kid is failing drama when he puts on award winning performances anytime he’s asked to do anything
Maybe all the lonely ladies in my DMs who just moved to this city and don’t have any friends should get together and start a newcomers club.
Hemorrhoids should be called a more gender-neutral name, such as themorrhoids.
New Joker looks like he has the Memento disease and needs a bunch of tattoos to remind him he’s the Joker.
[barbershop]
ME: *walks in holding up a wanted poster* hi can you make me look like uhhh not this
[sound of sirens outside getting louder]
*sweating* …quickly
“I’ve got toes in different area codes.”
– Ludacris steps on a land mine
Never ask anyone eating their meal directly out of a pot on the stove how their day was
No one tells you that if you buy a 6 foot tall skeleton for your front window that every night at 3 am you will forget you bought a 6 foot tall skeleton for your front window.
[shows jury picture of gruesome murder scene]
*they all gasp*
That was my initial reaction too. Those shoes with those pants?
An old white man in a beard bestowing gifts from the sky? Please.
Me: Can I get a 12 inch sub?
Naval officer: They’re usually a lot bigger
Just emerged from my Y2K bunker.
Everybody okay?
When I misplace something and you say “where did you have it last” I feel like you don’t know what misplace means.
No, Clickbait writer, here are 20 household items YOU’VE been using wrong
Pineapple farms looks like someone said they were a pineapple farmer and got caught in the lie so just started chucking pineapples on the grass
The Proclaimers: Walk 500 miles. Then walk 500 more.
Me: Gets winded walking from the couch to the kitchen.