Why did it have to be the dog? I have the hubby insured for $1.5 million.
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Me: I won’t eat the brownies until you get home
Brownies: you lied
So I’m sitting, minding my own business when *BAM*
Nothing happens
[after sex]
her: you were really loudme: *putting down my trombone* yep
Crude oil is the worst kind of oil because it says offensive things while it pollutes the water and ruins our planet.
Movies show people kissing in the rain but I want a guy who’ll run out there and get the cushions off the porch chairs when the weather starts kicking up.
[meeting my gf’s parents]
her: *quietly* don’t worry, my dad’s nice but he doesn’t say much[later]
her dad: I love my daughter very a lot
me: i see
jesus christ confetti not now
“What an ugly baby,” I said, much more audibly than intended.
Wife: pick a Christmas movie to watch.
Me: Lord of the Rings.
Wife: that’s not a Christmas movie.
Me: then why does it have elves?
Wife:
Me: plus Gandalf looks like Low Carb Santa.
Sorry I looked up your house on google maps, but I wanted to make sure I could climb that tree by your bedroom window.
jane austen: *experiences pride and prejudice* hmm i think i’ll write a book about this
j.d. salinger: *catches some rye* yeah same
ENTER PASSWORD
password
YOUR PASSWORD IS TOO LITERAL PLEASE TRY AGAIN
again
ARE YOU KIDDING ME RIGHT NOW
My daughter: I don’t need your help. Unless it’s like really difficult. Or costs more than twenty dollars.
My wife called me from her job at the Velcro factory.
She’s stuck at work again.
[Fat lady goes to the zoo]
Zebra – What the hell is she wearing?
Bear – It looks like your mom
Can anyone live in a sewer or do you have to be a clown or a Ninja Turtle
Pro tip-If you bring a toy boat into a hot tub and repeatedly reenact the Titanic, in a few mins you’ll have the entire hot tub to yourself.
Drawing faces on light bulbs so a face finally lights up when I walk in a room.
Me: (accidentally crushes the World’s Smallest Violin)
Guy who owns the World’s Second Smallest Violin: aw yea baby my time to shine
When my husband annoys me I like to say, “The doctor said I need to lose 10 pounds. What do you think?”
[MasterChef]
GORDON RAMSAY: Describe the dish
ME: *proudly* Ceramic, chef.
Me: I’m not going to eat any pizza.
Me: I’m not going to eat more than 3 slices of pizza.
Me: I’m no longer going to place any limitations on myself.
“That’s how kids get money. Loose teeth and chores.” -6yo niece schooling 4 on the way the world works
Hi, fire department? My cat is in a tree. Television has taught me that this is your problem.
WIFE: I love you
NEIL DEGRASSE TYSON: Actually it’s just emotional comfort after years of being toget-
WIFE: *packing* I’ll be at my mothers
me: i’m sorry
gordon ramsay: yes donkey sorry for what?
me: i’m sorry i burnt the quesadillas
gordon ramsay: that’s better big boy
me: look man you’re gonna have to leave this is a private residence
REPORTER: Today a 25-year old dog is playing dead for the first time. It goes to show that old dogs really can learn… Oh goddamn it.
My mom told me not to cry wolf, but it was too late.Wolves were pouring out of my tear ducts, filling the kitchen and adjoining living room.
Boss: the company wants you to know it’s ok to struggle mentally
Me: ok
Boss: like… don’t tho
Celebrating President’s Day by not doing anything I promised I would