Satan: “Waaazzz up?”
God: “Speak of the Devil.”
Satan: “Really?”
God: “Sorry, figure of speech.”
Satan: “Jesus Christ.”
Jesus: “What?”
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I’m the kind of girl that likes to wake up. Hear the birds chirping. And throw my coffee at them.
I’m so glad my great aunt handed down the beautiful, vintage art deco water glasses that I love because my husband has discovered they are perfect for catching spiders.
LinkedIn is a terrible dating site
Just learned an important lesson: When texting “wish you were here,” that last e kind of makes it or breaks it.
Cookie Monster have other things going. Whole life not just cookie.
My dog acts like he’s always auditioning to be my best friend. I’m like “Dude, you already got the part…you can relax.”
Not sure who’s a bigger idiot at this jury duty.
The guy who committed [redacted] or the moron next to me who put a 6 2x in a row of sudoku.
I’m holding my head high and my middle finger a bit higher.
God: How’s it going on Earth
Angel: They made a mayonnaise flavored ice cream
God: Send a flood. Send several floods
I am so used to automatic doors at work that when I come across one I have to physically open I just stand there like a dummy
Social media is perfect when you’re feeling sorry for yourself and your desire is to feel worse.
“Thanks for saving my life” said no toddler ever
I really like the word aesthetic, it’s so pleasant on the eye. I wonder if there’s a word to describe that.
omg we watched the muppet movie for the first time tonight and my 8yo says “oh, kermit! I like him because he’s from all those memes” as if kermit just appeared one day drinking tea saying but that’s none of my business
*yawns, while roaring like a dinosaur*
*everyone in the church looks at me*
*waves with T-rex arms*
“I was exposed to COVID and have to quarantine” is now my go to excuse to get out of literally everything.
“That’s close enough…”
~Government worker
One way to tell if a man is good in bed is to watch him dance. Another good way is to have sex with him.
Can I get a refund on my kid? This one smiles and makes direct eye contact while she does exactly what I told her NOT to do.
i haven’t seen a “turn $50 into $5000” post in a minute, y’all in jail now?
Mrs Kelly: what should we name him?
Mr Kelly: (eyes wide af) MACHINE GUN
CHILD: *breathes*
PERSON: You need to keep your child under control, they should be still, quiet, unhappy and oppressed like an adult at all times!PUPPY: *bites persons face off and pees on them*
PERSON: Don’t you dare apologize, he’s a puppy! He’s still learning!
The Force can make you lift a spaceship out of the swamp, but proper sentence structure teaching, it can not.
[Spelling Bee]
Judge: Your word is ‘babe’
Bee: B-A-E
J: Sorry. There’s another ‘B’
Bee: WHAT! WHERE?
*goes crazy*
*stings Judge*
*dies*
At least dinosaurs got to watch music videos on MTV.
Today is “bring your dog to work day”. I thought it was “bring your dawg to work day”. So now DeShaun has to leave. Sorry dawg
Me (27 f) and my bf (12 ft tall Home Depot skeleton) are trying for a child to no success. Any tips helpful!!!
Everyone on earth: I’m terrible with names.
Me: Hi guys!
Everyone on earth: Oh, hi darren!
[self-quarantine day 3]
must clean the house and bathe[self-quarantine day 8]
have to get my shit together[self-quarantine day 15]
can’t keep living like this[self-quarantine day 21]
might be losing it[self-quarantine day 34]
taught mr. wiggles to play “careless whisper”
It’s not a beard, it’s an animal I’ve trained to sit very still.