Eating fruit loops out of a plastic baggy on the train and nodding at a baby doing the same thing.
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The average person swallows 8 cats per year in their sleep.
ME [licks finger to turn page of the book I’m reading]
WIFE: You’re ruining that Kindle
Me: Please throw your trash away.
Child: I’m too tired!!
Same child 5 min later: [does nonstop super sprints at the park for 3 plus hours]
“You have nice eyes”
– boring
– unoriginal
– she’s probably heard it a million times“Jeepers, creepers, where’d ya get those peepers?”
– musical
– invites a dialogue
– reminiscent of a better time, before World War II
– could yield info on where to acquire good peepers
I love when I wake up to sunshine and birds singing and good coffee and I think it’ll be a Disney day but then I open Twitter and realize I’m only in act one of a horror movie
We put a lot of faith in teenagers who control the rollercoasters at amusement parks. A bad breakup between Tommy and “Princess” Cameron could be the difference between fun and “I don’t think we’re supposed to go around 17 times in a row.”
*flips over table*
*table flips back up*
Table: You got a problem?
Me: DO YOU?
Table: …
Me: HUH?
Table: …
Me: I SAID DO WE HA-
Table: No
Cleaned bathroom sink half hour ago. Then trimmed mustache over sink. Oh … That’s what all those women I lived with were complaining about.
The Wolf of Wall Street.
My husband and I keep the spark alive in our marriage.
I send flirty pictures of stuff I want to buy and he sends flirty little messages like, “I thought we agreed to save money.”
If you wake me with a text at 5am, I will answer you because I’m helpful but the answer will be that night at 2am because I’m also vengeful.
When you see a picture of my kids and it’s captioned “The reason I wake up every day” it’s not me being sweet. It’s the truth, I literally cannot sleep-in with these little heathens in the house.
nobody warns you of the devastation two days of stuffing will bring upon your digestive system
I forgot the word for English so I asked the cab driver if he speaks the common tongue
No, please continue to talk loudly on the phone, smoke & spit next to my table. No problem! I’m just going to follow you home and kill you.
When I’m having a bad day nothing sets me off quite like trying to pull one wipe out of the container and 47 more coming with it
Fun trick: Swap guacamole with wasabi, then watch.
I get it, sauce, I also thicken over time.
The “unfortunate” hair singe “accident” of ‘09 is why I’m no longer allowed near the grill.
*adjusts sunglasses, sips wine*
Do I like to live dangerously?
I wrote this without my glasses on so what do you thick
For sale: Shrimpless rice. Never fried.
The real monsters are the people who hand you money with the bills not all facing in the same direction.
windshields shouldn’t exist. if god intends for a f450 to kick up a rock on the highway that busts my skull into 7 pieces. if that’s how im meant to die. who the hell is kia to stop god
Do as I scooby say, not as I scooby doo.
*me to my dog.
I never over sleep in the mornings
I set an alarm, a back up alarm, and a 4yo once those fail
Wanna know what it looks like when a tired mother reaches her breaking point? I just tried to hypnotize my toddler to sleep. She seemed to like it. As soon as I was done she yelled “again”!
Please do not buy stainless steel or titanium rings. They seem cool until you can’t get them off.
Best correction of the day, if not ever:
A group of crows is called a murder.
A group of people walking slowly in front of me at a store, is called motive.
#notsorry
[Michael Bay directing]
“WE NEED A HOTTER CHICK”
Teacher: This is your son’s 3rd grade play
“Oh right. I forgot. WE NEED BIGGER EXPLOSIONS”