Brand new white Adidas completely ruined by 6 steps into the dog park gate.
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My doctor said avocados help with depression but so far it’s just sitting there on my counter doing nothing.
Life is not a sprint, it’s a Marathon gas station that’s always out of your favorite drink and someone is always in the restroom when you need to go.
ME: Dave’s coming over for tea
WIFE: Dave from work or Dave I’m having a secret affair with?
DAVE: *from inside wardrobe* I don’t eat peas
Whoever invented crustless pot pie clearly didn’t know why people eat pot pie.
Forget sexy talk. I want breakfast talk. Describe those waffles to me nice and slow.
Although I’ve been disappointed by some of the things cartoons promised yet failed to deliver, I must say I am relieved that my eyes don’t badoing out of my head whenever I see a fine lady.
When you let your mom cut your hair and she tells you what a handsome young man you are
Whenever someone says “I’m in a good place,” I want to ask for the address.
*playing a California Raisins record for a friend* Pretty good right? These are raisins playing all the instruments
Look me in the eye and tell me you love me…
No, not the glass one.
I don’t understand why everyone hates the rich. Without them who would….
*checks notes*
…trash the economy repeatedly with no consequences?
*Meets new person, forgets their name two seconds after they say it. Spends the next ten minutes hoping others in the conversation will say their name so I don’t have to ask.
Every time I wear a suit I hear the same five words. “Will the defendants please rise”
That worked out so much differently in my head.
– an autobiography
I want to make medical bracelets that say “In case of emergency, delete browser history”
[about to message girl he likes]
Me: I should just talk to her like I would anyone else. Be myself. And not act stupid.
Brain: OR
when my wife was in labor with our first kid 11 yrs ago I was next to her in the hospital room. with my laptop tending to my farmville crops that needed harvesting. Follow me for more caring husband advice.
me: can i get a big mac
employee: sir, this is a Burger King
me: sorry can i get a big mac, your majesty
ME: genie, i wish i was dead
GENIE: [makes me dead then brings me back to life] ok u have two wishes left
ME: i dont think u understood
We got in the car, and my husband said we’re gonna do a quick stop at Costco. I didn’t even do my hair! If you’re gonna take me on a date, please tell me first. I’m so mad rn. Smh I’m gonna be eating my churro looking like I belong at Walmart.
[Sirens]
Dude open the door!*barricading* How do i know you’re not 1 of them?! Were you bit?!
What?! Do you not know what a hurricane is?
me at the door waiting for my grubhub chicky wings
we live in a society where it’s perfectly acceptable to touch 50 pieces of fruit at the supermarket before buying one. every apple you eat has been fondled by half the neighborhood
Daughter: It’s Halloween…let’s do something really scary.
Me: You’re in luck…I’m just about to do the bills.
The struggle is real
ME (just before the road trip): I can hold it until I get there.
ME (4 hours in):
My husband has been singing Mambo Number 5 for an hour. If he keeps this up, his next tune will be Divorce Number 1.
My dating profile says “Reduced for quick sale.”
The Hello Kitty stickers on your woodchipper suggest that you’re whimsically murdery.
When you think about it, Jesus really accomplished a lot in the four months between Christmas and Easter.