Me: “I’m looking for a psychic who rates themselves highly.”
Ian: “I’m a medium.”
Me: “I need someone better than that.”
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going around my neighborhood with my Easter basket to collect eggs but most people have been downright rude about it and what eggs they do give me aren’t even dyed
“There’s Dave”
Regular Dave or Dave who thinks he’s a hotdog and “f” is a vowel?
[cut to Dave writing in a book titled “Diary of an frank”]
Me: I can’t decide on a name for the hamster
Wife: Why don’t you sleep on it?
Me: Jesus Christ Amy, I’d squash it
Wish my husband got a check from the NFL for all the refereeing he does from his recliner…
If I got kidnapped I’d continuously sing Pitbull songs until they kill me, I’d die but at least they’d suffer too.
(Vegan zombie)
“Mmmm ….. grains”
who called it a dinosaur rap battle instead of a reptile diss function
Sin?
I thought you said gin.
*shrug*
Either way, make mine a double.
My nose won’t stop running.
But, to be fair, it’s the only part of my body that’s still in shape.
[at subway]
And just a little lettuce.
*the guy starts backing a truck full of lettuce toward my sandwich & the truck is beeping*
No wait.
*steps away from meeting to send my sister a puking emoji*
WHY ISN’T THE MEDIA TALKING ABOUT THIS?!👇
*links to story on mainstream media site*
My husband asked if I had a new year’s resolution and I told him it was to not yell at the kids and then we both fell about laughing
Anyone know the difference between the Supreme and the Deluxe? This whore house menu is confusing
DOCTOR: Do you have any questions?
“Can I shower with this cast?”
DOCTOR: What do you think, guys?
PHOEBE, JOEY, CHANDLER, MONICA: Sure!
*doesn’t turn down whale sounds relaxation cd while being pulled over*
Bakery worker: Can I get you something?
Me: [staring at case full of pies] No thanks, I’m just window eating.
Sesame Street gritty reboot:
The Burt Locker
This morning my neighbor put a note in my letterbox telling me off for honking my horn to say goodbye to my kids at 9am yesterday
This evening, I’m learning to play the drums
Every time I think I’ve parallel parked in a space the size of a shoebox, I get out and find it’s the length of two football fields
11: Daddy, how long have we been friends for?
Me: That depends. How old are you?
11: I’m eleven.
Me: Then probably 4 or 5 years hahaha
11: See, jokes like that is why we’re no longer friends.
Before 40: stretch to prevent injury
After 40: injure self during stretching
Walmart was so crowded today that they had 2 cashiers working.
[mattress commercial]
husband: i like value
wife: but i want comfort
announcer: now you can have both with our new “split” design, the left side is $899 and the right side is a luxurious $1299
M: Come to bed…
Her: I have a headache
M: You’re a robot!
H:
M:
H: …SELF DESTRUCT[BOOM]
M: Nice try but you’re still under warranty!
I hate it when people that don’t have kids try to give u advice. I think by now I know how much pot my kids can handle, thank you very much.
Me: Busy day?
Singer: Working on my scales
Map maker: Same
Scale maker: Same
Mountain climber: Same
Guy who draws fish: Same
[standing next to the boss at the urinal]
Ok, don’t act weird.“That’s some impressive bladder volume, sir.”
My last remaining brain cells uniting as I try to help my 8 yr old with their math
My daughter just asked “if you’re waiting for the waiter, doesn’t that make you the waiter?”
Me:……….