I’m pretty sure Hitler himself would kill Baby Hitler, afterall he killed regular Hitler.
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How long do I have to sleep before I’m legally a bear?
I often think that a flower pot falling off of a window sill and onto my head would solve most of my problems.
MY TOP 3 PROBLEMS WITH DUCKS
1. Vulnerable to attack by foxes b/c they’re too lazy to learn karate
2. Out of millions of ducks, only one (Scrooge McDuck) has conquered the business world. PATHETIC SUCCESS RATE
3. Too many handouts. GET A JOB AND BUY YOUR OWN BREAD YOU LAZY DUCKS
They don’t tell you that it is perfectly legal to swim out into the ocean, grab whatever fish you can, & eat it on the way back
My debit card got stolen at the gym which is fine because i will still continue to go so that I can train to fight the person who stole it
[first day as a riot cop]
chief: disperse the crowd
me:
T HC R E
O D
W
My wife’s job is to announce our exit is two miles away when we pass a big sign that says our exit is two miles away.
‘What’s that smell?’
‘I think a squirrel died in the walls.’
‘This is your car’
Somebody out there is thinking of you and the impact you have in their life. It’s not me, I think you’re an idiot.
Stranger: Your children are angels
Me: So was the devil
My cause of death will probably be something stupid like, she was running from a swarm of bees and got hit by a dumptruck.
Got my blood test results back today, and it’s just as I had feared 🙁
My body is filled with a lot of blood!
Me: How did Bruce and Alfred build the Batcave all by themselves?
The Lord: I meant any questions about the mysteries of existence
Stopped by my parents house with the dog. We both ran upstairs and tripped at the exact same time as we’ve obviously forgotten how stairs work.
2nd month dating: A thousand lifetimes with you would not be enough.
2nd month of marriage: OMG you are the loudest cereal chewer on earth!
[millipede preschool]
head, shoulders, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes, knees and toes…
I don’t like to brag about going to expensive places, but I just went to the gas station.
Somewhere in my brain is a tiny gland that blinds me to unwashed dishes.
Had a med school friend who was super obnoxious about momming better than the rest of us because she made all her own baby food. But she used mainly carrots and sweet potatoes and ended up turning her baby Oompa Loompa orange.
It has been years and it never stops being funny.
Do a little dance, make a little love, pay child support.
If you’re not happy single, you won’t be happy in a relationship. True happiness comes from watching a seagull shoplift snacks from a convenience store, not from another person.
Roses are red
Lemons are bitter
I should be working
But instead I’m on Twitter#NewEndingsToRosesAreRed
Falling in love with some people is like hearing the theme music from Jaws, but diving in anyway, convinced you can change the shark
I’m writing code, not making diamonds. Continuing to apply more and more pressure will not produce a better outcome.
KID IN PARK [crying] I think my mum might of left me here
ME: Oh no!
WIFE: Talk to him
ME: Hey, listen kid *kneels down* it’s might HAVE
DATE: Tell me about yourself
ME: I own 7 pens!
D: I meant, like, something personal
M:*Sadly* I lie about how many pens I own to impress ppl
I posted a selfie and someone commented “Oh my! That was brave.”.
My girlfriend has started pronouncing the word “pedant” “pendant” as a kind of accusation, taunting me, daring me to say something
[every morning]
Me: Want to go outside?
Dog:
Me: Outside?
Dog:
Me: Go outside?
Dog:
Me: Let’s go outside!
Dog:
Me: Fine.
Dog:
Me: [gets coffee and sits on couch]
Dog: I need to go outside.