This guy just told me I have beautiful eyes.
Well, he said they were pretty…
Ok, he said “Healthy & no change since your last visit.”
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My 4 y/o doesn’t realize that things in life have happened before his existence. I bet this is what life is like for Kanye. Let’s be gentle.
first date idea we go to marriage counseling
[firemen meeting]
if we had a pole instead of stairs, we could get to the trucks much quicker
*from back*
“why dont we just sit downstairs?”
Me texting friend: Hey! What’s up?
Buddy: *sends picture of ceiling*
Me: I am so glad I didn’t ask “how’s it hanging”
due to personal reasons, i will be screaming into a pillow.
People say “life’s a journey, not a destination,” because the destination is death. The journey sucks too. Anyway, to the bride and groom!
“Ah, OK. Yes. Now I see it.” -Me lying to someone who’s pointing out a constellation
Twitter is like a dog: There’s always someone who loves you for you… there’s also always someone who just peed in an inappropriate place.
Everyone’s all worried about World War III. Worry about the important shit. Batman’s fighting Superman in 2016.
Ok so when the clock does it, it’s fine, but when I do it, I’m “cutting ahead of 45 people in airport security”?
[adds another nod to the conversation]
Fitness level – too much Popeyes, zero spinach
COP: License and registration.
BATMAN: I’m Batman.
COP: License, please.
BATMAN: I’m Batman.
COP: I’m not gonna ask again.
BATMAN: I’m Bat-
COP: Alright, hands on the car.
BATMAN: Batmobile.
Mom: why do you drink so much
Me: *stares at mom*
to a guy who shits on people’s lawns, everything looks like a lawn
Woman: it’s legal to breastfeed my son in public
Cop: not while he’s driving
My parents told me I could be anything I wanted so I became unacceptable
In my experience, the quickest way to escape Jury Duty? As they read out the charges, yell out, “Oh c’mon…even I’ve done THAT!”
Overheard at work: “that is music to my ears”. Where else would the music go smartypants?
What if Adele was calling from inside the house?!
“I just read last year 4,153,237 people got married. I don’t want to start any trouble, but shouldn’t that be an even number?”
Imagine me naked.
Wrong. Fatter.
[restaurant]
Waiter: *holding pepper mill* say when
Me: huh? why
Waiter: when means stop
Me: oh
Date: how do you not- okay you know what i think we should stop seeing each other
Me: *glances knowingly at waiter* i think you mean we should WHEN seeing each other
Tonite on House Hunters: Jill wants 4 bedrooms, granite countertops and a home spa. Bob wants to be stabbed in the driveway.
Friend: Let’s go to the game next week
Me: Let me check my calendar
Also me: (yelling into the next room) Honey!
me: what are you doing
lawyer: [opening briefcase full of ham sandwiches] judges are more sympathetic to your situation after they eat
prosecutor: [opens briefcase full of meatball subs]
lawyer: aw dude you’re going to jail
I’ve never understood why someone would rob a liquor store for the money.
Pro tip…Excessive use of alcohol can cause memory loss or worse memory loss.
shoutout to whoever hacked my doordash account and sent $140 worth of wingstop to my address instead of theirs