*learns about complementary colors*
in my head:
red: that shirt looks so nice on you!
green: thanks! your shoes are perfect!
blue: screw you guys
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I did it! I found the worst thing on the internet. A combination of so much awful.
What do you do when you’re soul searching and can’t find one?
cops: neighbours reported sounds of a struggle
**i begin to weep as I glance at my skinny jeans**
“I have a coupon for a large 2 topping”
“What toppings?”
“Pepperoni & a small cheese pizza”
“Sir you can’t top a pizza with a smaller pizza”
I cannot picture a single instance where I’d be scared of a zombie called “Rob”
What’s he gonna do? Show up uninvited to brunch and make us wonder if he’ll be rude to the server again?
Ok fella, maybe you can scare me into buying your over priced insurance policies this time.
[eye doctor’s office]
receptionist: do you have vision insurance
me: yup *hands over card*
receptionist: this is your health insurance card vision is separate
me: but my eyes are in my body
receptionist:
me: and they’re unhealthy
Witches were never burned in the South because it led to too many arguments over BBQ techniques.
I’m not saying motorcycles are dangerous, but the motorcycle section on Craigslist also has a lot of electric wheelchairs for sale.
I treat people the way I would like to be treated and that is why I will never give you driving directions that start with Go east.
MORGAN FREEMAN: I’m here to narrate your life
ME: cool!
[2 hrs later]
MF: he’s still trying to figure out the childproof cap on his Tylenol
Having a cat is like having a teddy bear that is always investigating a murder.
Got fired from my job as a museum guide for telling everyone the statues are all Medusa’s ex-boyfriends.
I was 17 before I realized that the reason the ocean is salty is not “because of something I did.” Thanks Dad.
11: can I see one of your last tweets?
Me: *pulls up tweet*
11: no, I meant a funny one
Leonardo: Let’s go rescue April!!
Donatello: Let’s do it!
Raphael: Bodacious!!
Michelangelo: Totally!!
Vincent: *cuts off ear* give her this
7yr old: I’m going to set a world record for walking in circles around this chair. “Alexa, set a time for 90 minutes.”
Me: Do you realize that’s an hour and a half?
7: Oh, “Alexa, set a timer for 5 minutes.”
Mr. Clean in the streets. Mr. Bean in the sheets.
I don’t always go the extra mile
But when I do…
It’s because I missed my exit.
If the world made any sense, all sperm whales would be male.
Just saved 2 bytes on my 250GB hard drive by refactoring one line code. Finally starting to understand what minimalism feels like.
LOCAL BOTS ARE SICK AND TIRED OF PRETENDING TO BE HOT LOCAL SINGLES AND WANT YOU TO ACCEPT THEM AS THEY ARE; LINES OF CODE AND NOTHING MORE
when my therapist asks how i’ve been the last two weeks
Unpopular opinion: I want bathroom scented candles to be called john wicks
I suspect the ancient Greeks would be horrified that we refer to ‘laying on a couch all weekend watching a TV series’ as a “marathon”…
LIFE HACK: You can turn your ordinary sofa into a sofa bed by simply forgetting your wife’s birthday.
Broke out some old threads to wear to work today and was feeling pretty cool until my 12 year old daughter saw me and said, “What is that shirt? You look like the 90s,” then I knew I nailed it.
I don’t need armpits that smell like fruit salad or “sexy intrigue”. I exude that naturally.
The fruit salad smell. Not the sexy intrigue.
“Sorry for the late response” is my email signature
Just saw a fully functional phone booth with an intact yellow pages; so, yeah, I know a thing or two about time travel.