My dad likes to come to my office & tell the receptionist he’s my parole officer in case you were wondering how I turned out like this.
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Kids, in my day we didn’t have text messaging. We had to write a “Do you like me: Yes or no?” note and pass it through 17 mutual friends.
Whoever named them waterfalls got it 100% right.
Me: Hello, can you force an update on my computer that will affect most of my vital programs in a negative way?
Microsoft: Actually, we were just about to push an update to do that.
Me: Can you also offer no help to fix the issues?
Microsoft: Have we ever not let you down?
me: have you seen my shoes?
dad: I saw them on your feet once
me: I’m serious can you be more specific
dad: hi serious, I’m more specific
tfw you’re leaving the party but nobody notices
My cat tried to knock over my TV this morning. WHY ARE MY BEST FRIENDS FIGHTING?!
Don’t get how mosquitoes can be so buzzy and annoying but also bite me 10,000 times without me noticing
When life hands you lemons be thankful God didn’t slip and hit the demons button
You can totally spray tan your baby, it’s not illegal.
I wonder if clouds ever look down on us and say “hey, that one over there is shaped like an alcoholic”.
[shows up late for first day of new job]
*blames it on rush hour*
[shows up late for second day of new job]
*blames it on rush hour 2*
Passed a homeless guy begging on the sidewalk. Had a twenty in my pocket and asked myself “Do I want this twenty to be used for drugs or alcohol?” I thought “Absolutely not.” So I gave it to the homeless guy.
The real holiday hell happens after the gifts are unwrapped and it’s time to read instructions and assemble things.
This girl text me: “your adorable
I text back: no YOU’RE adorable
Now she likes me and I was just pointing out her typo…
Survival Tip: if a bear comes at you, do not try to “sweep the leg”. They’ve all seen The Karate Kid and learned how to defend against it.
me: I’d like to represent myself
judge: ok
me: *wearing mustache* my client is guilty
me: *removing mustache* wait what
(Me on trampoline outside your bedroom window)
WhyDid
You
Unfollow
Me?
*holds flashlight up to face*
When I was a kid, most pop tarts came unfrosted.
*3 millennials faint, 2 vomit*
I enjoy a good short stor
Has anyone told ice cream shops about big napkins?
Offered the kids $5 to clean so they could learn about money and then didn’t pay them so they could learn about randomly trusting people.
I was at a job interview today when the manager handed me a laptop and said: I want you to try to sell this to me. So I put it under my arm, left the building and went home. Eventually he called me and said: Bring my laptop back now. I said: $200 and it’s yours.
why do boys change into their football tops to just sit in front of the telly to watch the game ahahah a don’t stick a pair a fangs on when am watching the vampire diaries
Ron Swanson with nurse:
Is there a history of mental health disorders in your family?
“I have an uncle who does yoga”
it’s always sad when you have to take your sick goldfish out to the pasture and shoot it in the head.
Me: A bird just flew in the building.
CW: That means someone’s gonna die!
Me: *grabs letter opener
Her:
Me: I don’t make the rules Karen
Whoever said your harshest critic is yourself never had an 11 yr old daughter
Call me hun one more time and I stg I will invade a small European country.
my mom texts me money bag emojis when i forget to pay her just like the mob.