Mother in law: How’d you get this turkey so juicy?
Me: I’m…
Wife: … no
Me: a…
Wife: … don’t
Me: *stares at wife* master baster!
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Every parent becomes a hostage negotiator when their toddler seizes control of an open bottle of syrup.
Windows: Would like to…
⚪️ Restart
⚪️ Update and restartMe: I’d like to restart
Windows:
*Sneezes*
Dating: Bless you
Engaged: You’re adorable
Married: We need to talk
[stubs toe]
“GOD DAMMIT”
God: No problem, bro.
[toe goes to Hell]
Having to ask the hairdresser to give you a cut that will persuade your phone’s facial recognition software that it’s still you is very 2020.
*person walking on the road
Me: roads are for cars
*person gets off road as I pass
Also me: I can drive. I’m not going to hit you.
“Florida is insane.” Bro, we ain’t even trying right now. Imagine how powerful we would be if we all had dental insurance.
Instagram: look how pretty everything is
Facebook: look how easy everything is
Twitter: look how painfully funny everything can be if you just actually look at it and be honest
Tiktok: look at how dancing everything is
4: When will I stop growing?
Me: When you’re a grownup, like me.
4: But you still grow.
Me: No I don’t.
4: You grew too big for those pants you really like.
Me:
*cocks shotgun*
Goodnight Moon
Quarantine Day 31: I joined a Facebook group where we all pretend to be ants in an ant colony
Wife: I wish you’d just admit when you’ve made a mistake
Me: *stirring my coffee serenely* I prefer it with salt
Foal me once, I have a baby horse. Foal me twice, no one needs this many baby horses. Foal me thrice, please stop. I have no room for them.
A baby is a horrible paper weight because it just keeps rolling off the desk.
21st century kid on Santa’s lap-“Yo santa, some more insta followers would be real dope for Christmas. Thanks bruh bruh”
turkey? Nope. I haven’t seen a turkey
Moana is my favourite movie about The Rock continually trying to drown a little girl.
*signs your yearbook “best friends for life”
*never speaks to you again *
<- sleeps well with others
In Hell you have to drive with balloons in the car and you have to put them in the car with the doors open.
“sorry sorry sorry reallysorry reallysorry sorry” – remorse code
My son forged my signature on a note from his teacher. I’m his teacher.
Pretty sure I burned off a print making dinner, so if anyone needs my right middle finger for doing crimes, hit me up.
[Dog office]
Dog 1: excuse me this is my desk – I pissed on it so..
Dog 2: I just pissed higher on it
D1: son of a
D2: SON OF A WHAT, DAVID?
Girl twin: mummy stop the car!!
Me: what happened?!
GT: stop the car!
Me: are you ok?!
GT: STOP THE CAR!!! *cries*
Boy twin: *cries*
Me: *stops car* what’s wrong?!!
GT: mummy!
Me: what is it?!
GT: oh it’s ok I couldn’t see my shoes but they’re on my feet
Me: *cries*
My MIL is savage. She got into an argument with her husband while we were staying at their house, and when I posted photos of our weekend with them, she liked each of my photos except the one he was in.
At the self checkout I make small talk with myself and I wish I would just shut up
I was a professional waxer for four years till the law shut me down for naming my shop Smoothie King.
My bluetooth headphones just paired with a car driving by like they were trying to escape
My son is explaining why my daughter is crying but I’m not buying it as I don’t think she can even say, “Please kick me in the face”.