Probably one of the hardest things for Pinocchio to pull off was complimenting his friend’s experimental theater piece.
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After Eve, God didn’t speak directly to another female for the rest of the Bible. A single woman pissed off an omniscient deity that much.
My smart friend just told a story about Scott and Zelda Fitzgerald and I nodded the whole time, thinking to myself “Yes, I recognize both of those names.”
If someone gives you sad eyes, give them sadder eyes. You must win this.
Welcome to Passive Aggressive Club. We all got here early, but you just take your time.
No autocorrect, I don’t want to bang a bunch of hot chimps.
I got a flu shot yesterday but have not started flying. It’s a bit misleading.
Me *to person next on me on plane* I’m a nervous flyer, I’ll probably scream when we take off
Co-pilot: what
[Batman in tears]
Catwoman left me
Oh no what happened?!
I left the door open and she just bolted
[overhears the flight attendant asking the people in the emergency row if they’re capable and willing to operate the emergency exit]
Passengers: Yes
Me: MAKE THEM PROVE IT
guys love flexing “i’m self made” so is amoeba what’s your point
Mama
I just killed a man
He complained about student debt
So I posted his loan they did forget
Me: It’s unrealistic that the Angels blindly trusted Charlie’s voice coming through a speaker, amirite?
Siri: I’m not sure I understand
I posted “Happy Almost Mother’s Day!” on this chick I grew up with’s Facebook page, guess I was the only one who remembered her abortion.
My boyfriend finally proposed to me, well he proposed that I stop saying he’s my boyfriend and that I get off his lawn and just leave him alone.
I walk around in public saying “wait for me guys” so everyone thinks I have friends.
Doctor: How many alcoholic drinks do you consume per week?
Me: *writes number on piece of paper & slides it facedown across table*
“HELP WITH CAT”
Good news. My neighbor found that last box of fireworks.
25% of parenting is resisting the urge to scream, “Get to the point!”
Doctor: You’ve got cancer.
Me: *slides a twenty across the examining table*
Doctor: What’s this for?
Me: Say something else.
Doctor: You’ve got shingles, too.
The only reason I’m on LinkedIn is to find employed dates for the weekends.
C’mon, I can’t be the only one that does kegels to pass the time in meetings
An interracial couple eating Cheerios and non-English speakers drinking Coke. We’re a Benghazi pizza commercial away from a Texas secession.
Nobody:
Mime:
Mute person:
Fight club member:
Parrot:
Torturer who just boldly claimed he had ways of making people talk: oh no
Ankles by my ears? What is this? Cirque du Soleil??
there’s two types of people inthe world: cops who are a week from retirement and robbers who want to go straight but have to do one last job
the guy who keeps stealing my packages is really gonna love my latest order, “giant beehive (1 count)”
Me (on a tinder date): you look nothing like your avi
Chameleon: hold on.
[preparing dinner]
Him: *making mashed potatoes* I feels like you don’t trust my cooking
Me: *also making mashed potatoes* don’t be silly