The wife is approaching! *Close Twitter, close favstar, close youporn, close match .com, delete history, open google and stare at screen
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“I love ribs! What are ribs, anyway? Are they like cow, or like people…or?”
-my 6yo daughter, that’s apparently not disturbed by cannibalism
Time to go to the liquor store, I’m almost out of holiday spirit
Mickey Mouse: Hey, so I’m seeing someone now.
Donald Duck: Me too.
Mickey: What’s she like?
Donald: Me. But with a bow.
Mickey: Sounds hot.
“I found a stick… and it comes with a hat!” 😂💛
goldiesglobe
I went on a first date with a man who spent the better part of the first hour ruminating about his recent ex
And yes I let him pay for my glass of wine and appetizer because a therapist would have charged double
Um … Hot Wings please
The guy two cubes down wears vests, curls his mustache, and never says a word. I always smile politely because maybe he’ll spare my life.
October begins the tradition of removing the expired salad from the crisper drawer and renaming it the Reese’s drawer.
Sometimes I deliberately forget to use dryer sheets so my husband can go to work with my panties stuck to his shirt.
How it started How it’s going
I was dating this guy who took me home to his parents’ house for the weekend and his mom was learning taxidermy and I slept in a room with all her practice chickens
This Uber driver is the worst. I can’t roll down the windows, he keeps asking questions, the doors won’t open, and now his siren is blaring.
I need a man who talks as fast as Kevin Hart. I got shit to do.
Never seen anyone in Nandos or McDonald’s pick up an appropriate amount of napkins – you’re cleaning up after a burger not a double homicide
6 year old was FaceTiming a friend today and between the giggling and jumping around she went for a poop and stayed on the call throughout. And if I’m honest, out of my wife’s many talents I didn’t expect her to pass that one down
*Doorbell rings*
*it’s a regular kid*
“Trick or treat!”
…and what are you supposed to be?
*removes face, revealing an unending void*
HUMAN
me: *filling up my car with gas*
guy next to me: the gas is supposed to go in the tank
me, pulling the pump out of the window: i don’t own a tank i only have this car
Getting asked ‘you want a fork’ by a hot Chinese waitress is misleading as fork to my american ears
My boss told me to start every presentation with a joke. The first slide was my paycheck.
Me: Siri set an alarm for 6am tomorrow morning. I want to go to the gym before work.
Siri: Lol
i don’t really hate you but if you were falling off a cliff
i would be waving good bye
Sometimes people just need you to be genuine with them, and I personally have no problem pretending to do that.
I was holding the door for an Asian guy and he said “sank you.” So I punched him. Cant believe that he brought up Pearl Harbor lke that
Leaf blowers can make yard work so efficient, when you just use them to blow everything onto the neighbour’s lot.
Laser hair removal? Uhhh, why would anyone with laser hair ever want to get it removed?
not now darling, mummy’s influencing on the www.
I finally bought a set of dumbells.
How long are you supposed to rest in between sets?
Please say 6 weeks.
what’s for dinner?
ME: indian
we had indian last night
ME: i know, but i forgot to do the ‘i see a little sillhouetto of a naan’ joke so
“What’s taking the pharmacist so long? It’s just one prescription”
*behind the counter the pharmacist is sinking in quicksand and screaming*