How many zombies would Rob Zombie rob if Rob Zombie could rob zombies?
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Sex in movies is so fake because they never show the part where I ask him to stop for a minute because I’m out of shape and out of breath.
Politician: I love democracy!
Me: I’m voting for The other candidate.
Politician: not like that
[date]
Her: Will I see you again?
Me: Depends…*hands her paper*
Me: Pronounce that word.
Her: Nuke-u-lar.
Me: It was nice meeting you.
I’m “I lost my car in a parking lot” years old
*clicks alarm, clicks alarm*
*silence*
Am I even in the right parking lot?
I got about 8 seconds into explaining the Kate Middleton situation to my French husband before he told me, in the Frenchest voice imaginable, “ah yes, that’s why we decided not to have those sorts of people anymore”
grocery cart: [stuck to several other grocery carts] please. my family. can they come too?
me: no. one only.
*asks Zumba instructor to sign my pizza permission slip*
Son: Can you make a deposit into my prison commissary account?
Me: Stop calling your school lunch account the prison commissary.
me: I feel your pain
french baker: ma’am, pls stop touching the bread
INTERVIEWER: this says u work well with otters. Did u mean others?
ME (shoving a romp of otters back into my briefcase): haha yeah of course
I’m not getting in a self-driving car until we can figure out how to prevent automatic toilets from flushing while you’re still using ’em
10: Mom, I need to tell you a secret. Dad thought he was eating white chocolate, but it was a piece of your vanilla scented candle and he liked it. Don’t tell anyone, ok?
Me: Oh, don’t worry…
gryffindor: i only want the bravest
slytherin: i only want the most cunning
ravenclaw: i only want the smartest
hufflepuff: WOW you guys are pretentious
I feel like I’m finally ready to be a dad. Can’t wait to tell my kids.
It’s so unfair how the houses on HGTV get remodeled in 30-60 minutes, but my house is taking 2-3 months.
I love secret agent movies. You can never tell they’re hiding in plain sight because they are wearing all black and talking to themselves
Don’t worry when I get to heaven I’ll put in a good word for you guys
If you can’t remember my name, just say ‘donuts’. I’ll turn around and look.
I don’t believe in killing perfectly healthy Christmas trees for decorative purposes. When I kill a tree, it’s strictly for pleasure.
[first date]
HER: i’m super close to my dad
ME: *trying to impress* you’re grounded
A friend described me as a ‘no maintenance’ type
And I have no idea whether to be happy or offended
Got fired as a detective.
I have no clue why
[outside of bank]
Guy (puts on pantyhose mask): Ok!
Guy 2 (puts on mask): Ready!
Me (wearing pantyhose): Ok, I’m gonna need a minute.
[driving home in silence]
Wife: ok, I’m sorry
Me: too late
Wife: you do quite a lot of them though
Me: no, apparently I “overuse” them
Wife: …
Me: there’s no such thing as overusing roundhouse kicks, Linda, especially at parties
Wife: funeral
My kids say I need to stop trying to embarrass them but joke’s on them because I’m not even trying.
Me: Don’t tell me you’ve never thought about having sex with me.
Her: No, I never have….
Me: I asked you not to tell me that.
Not my fault the petting zoo never specified what I was supposed to pet
I Photoshop paddington into a movie, game, TV show, or album until I forget: Day 726
*at a metal concert*
lead singer: ANY REQUESTS??
me: CAN YOU PLEASE ENUNCIATE
Friend: not a fan.
Me: correct. you human.