[spelling bee]
judge: your word is problematic
me: then maybe give me a different word
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Sleeping Beauty taught me that:
1. I’m not the laziest girl in the land
2. If you sleep long enough, strange men break in & do stuff to you.
No one helped Cinderella when she hallucinated and talked to rats, cause people are garbage smh
Senior: *Gets diploma* I’m glad all the cliquey high school stuff is behind me
Principal: *Laughs for the rest of the graduation ceremony*
If you love something, set it free
If you hate something, do origami
If you’re hungry, go watch a movie
I don’t understand how advice works
Autocorrect changed ‘lover’ to ‘liver’ and that’s ok because I need one of those too.
I think people would be more into libraries if you didn’t get your card revoked every time you climb to the top of the bookshelf to reach for an ancient spellbook thereby knocking one shelf into another and so forth in a domino-like fashion until the entire library is wreckage
worm gf: would you still love me if i was a beautiful woman
Don’t get mad. Get windchimes.
mad respect to the toddler that stuck their head under the gas station bathroom stall today to say hey
PRO TIP:
Using a Starbucks cup to ask for change makes me think I’m worse off than you
Kidnapper: We have your wife.
Me: You sonofa-it was HER turn to cook dinner for the kids tonight!
the 3 types of Beach Boys songs are “look, a pretty lady!” “boats are cool” and “I will die alone”
peanut butter toast, simultaneously an underrated food and the majority of my genetic makeup
“You want a BOOTH?!”
“I think I’m entitled to the BOOTH!”
“YOU CAN’T HANDLE THE BOOTH!!!”
~angry exchange at the Applebee’s hostess stand
Kids whispering in other room: “Hey do you dare me to…”
Me: NO!
ME: I was at the laundromat washing my unmentionables, and-
HER: You mean your underwear?
*The fabric of the universe starts to tear*
ME: You fool! What have you done?!
Don’t count the days. Make the days count. Make the months do subtraction. Make the weeks recite the alphabet
“If people work from home, how will I socialize?” You will have to go into the forest, bribe an old witch & have her summon new friends for you like the rest of us have to
HER: Let me know when you get your shit together.
ME: So I guess this is goodbye.
me: [throws jacket over a puddle like a gentleman]
my date: why my jacket
Using my invisible hula hoop really freaks people out.
Imagine kissing a frog and it turns into a Prince. Like, great, now I gotta go find another sexy frog
Tech support: Your hard drive is corrupt and can’t be recovered
Me: So the book I’ve been writing for 5 years has gone forever?!!!
Tech Support: how much had you written?
Me *still in shock* almost 7 sentences
It’s nice when my kitchen smells extra clean cause I used an entire bottle of Clorox to kill one ant.
Security: Animals aren’t allowed in this art gallery, sir.
Me: It’s my guide dog.
Dog: Picasso, born 25/10/1881, was a Spanish painter…
Behind every strong woman is a cat that won’t let her use the washroom with the door closed.
Her: I can’t believe you got us kicked out of my cousin’s wedding.
Me: They totally overreacted. People have been throwing rice at newlyweds for centuries!
Her: Pork fried rice??
My five-year-old daughters noisily broke into my office during class. I tried to scoop them out on my own but failed. Went to the door to call for help and THEY LOCKED THE DOOR BEHIND ME and had a five-minute conversation with my students while I rambled on about “consequences.”
me: do u take walk-ins?
morgue: what