PA System: Attention shoppers, the store will be closing in five hours
Sloth: Uh oh
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Being a father is the single greatest feeling on earth. Not including those wonderful years I spent without a child, of course.
If a woman expects you to open the door for her, it’s a massive red flag. Never date a girl who doesn’t know how to work a knob.
ME: are those new shoes?
HIM: yeah, but *gets down on one knee* would you…
ME: *tearing up* yes?!?
HIM: tie my shoes for me? mother never taught me how
older woman => young dude: cougar
older man => young women: manther
older man => younger men: faguar
older woman => younger women: sheetah
It’s impossible to look like a bad ass while eating a snow cone.
Hiphop cereal idea: Ludacrisp
Just watched Home Alone 4 with my kids. The writers should be sentenced to a semester of Physics 101 at a community college.
snow white broke into a house in the woods and did chores. wow, boring. goldilocks, the true hero, broke in to a house, made some judgements, and then took a nap. i have no notes
I hate spoilers so much I walk out of movies before the end
Please don’t cry
Seeing your tears makes me have to pee
Vampire: *getting impaled*
Please. My heart. It’s very stick..
Dear predictive text,
I am tired of sending people “Thanksgiving” when they send me a recipe or directions.
19 is going to my 20 year reunion as me. Now we wait.
Edward Scissorhands is the story of someone who can’t help cutting and poking holes in everything he loves. It’s about a cat.
Me: [trying to hide a dead body] you gotta help me
Hamburger Helper Glove: THIS IS WAY OUT OF MY LANE MAN
Be a firefighter they said,
Rescue kittens & throw them into fire they said,
Youre misinformed they said,
We’re calling the police they said
Me: *clears throat*
Boss: You have a wee cough
Me: Thanks, see you in seven days
The sexiest fantasy in 50 Shades Of Grey is the bit where she gets a job in journalism without having to do years of unpaid work experience.
Showering at a woman’s house is like being at an open bar for conditioners.
A very busty woman whispers to me “I want you to tell me if these look real” my eyes widen, then she takes out pictures of the moon landing
Girl, are you Excel? Because I claim to know you but I’m probably oblivious to 98% of what you’re able to accomplish
I don’t like camping, if I wanted to sleep outside I wouldn’t pay my mortgage.
All I’m saying is if you don’t want me to walk into the women’s restroom put words not pictures on the doors…
Person having heart attack: do you know cpr?
Me: no *pulling out phone* are they on spotify?
Me: Send prudes.
Her: Wait, did you mean nudes?
Me: What? Ew. No.
“What’s the deal with palm trees?”
What are you doing?
“You said do tropical humor”
Topical. I said topical.
“What’s the deal with ointment”
We live in a world where cartoons & other misc fictitious characters have their own Wikipedia pages.
But I’m the one that needs meds?
[1776]
America: We want the British out[1931]
Australia: We want the British out[1947]
India: We want the British out[2020]
Britain: We want the British out
MY GRANDMA: You need to get John more than 1 present this year.
MY DAD: Ugh fine.
[My Birthday]
DAD: Open this one.
ME: ITS A- shoe? It’s one shoe.
DAD: Now open this one.
Me: Im still mad at you for last night
Hub: Well Today is the 1st. Which means that happened last month. Which means youre being ridiculous