Life starts with everyone cheering when you poop and goes drastically down hill from there.
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Instructor: “Weapons are oft named for their purpose.”
Young Woman: *nervously eyes the cutlass*
*whistles at dog*
DOG: I have a boyfriend
ME: Ok, I’m sorry I played my banjo during the wedding ceremony.
WIFE: It was OUR wedding ceremony.
I told my mom I dreamt I was an autumn leaf and she thought that was super weird, so you can see why I hesitate to mention the portal opening up behind the spice rack.
Just took a DNA test and it turns out I’m 100% being arrested for shoplifting
My Twitter crush is 4,762-timing me!
My girlfriend is mad at lettuce, how’s your day going?
Me: it’s better to give than to receive.
Daughter: what about my enemies?
Me: d-do you have any enemies?
Daughter: not anymore.
Me: what does that mean?
Daughter:
Me: you’re only two! what does that mean?
You can sing along to a good song in my car as long as you don’t take lead vocals. Just accept that you’re a background singer or get out.
If a Facebook video says “you won’t believe what happens next” then I replace “believe” with “care”
People told me 10 carrots for an engagement was excessive but it’s my $100,000 and my fiancé deserves as much produce from Whole Foods as she pleases.
Me at 15: who wouldn’t want immortality, I want to live forever!
Me at 35: oh
Can’t believe I went on a date with someone who did a background check on me and casually spent the rest of the night reciting facts about me to me, and then proceeded to continue going out with him.
My trainer says more push ups, but I can’t find them in my size.
My girlfriend was devastated to find out that my mates call me ‘The Love Machine’ because I’m terrible at tennis.
If you can’t be with the one you love, stab the one you’re with.
If I got kidnapped I’d just be like, “fine – you worry about dinner now.”
FBI PROFILER, LOOKING AT PHOTOS OF MY HOUSE: White male, mid-30s, doesn’t have a lot of friends or close associations, probably read a lot about serial killers as a kid, eats a lot of bullshit food, no real skills
ME: I’m right here
FBI PROFILER: Talks like an idiot
Growing up was certainly the stupidest idea I had as a child.
if someone finds my voodoo doll please shave its legs
Interviewer: If you get this job what will you bring to the team?
Me: cake…I’ll bring cake
Always keep a dog eared book on your nightstand so that people think you know how to read.
I wear a 3-piece suit to bed in case someone breaks in & we have nothing to talk about. “Did you notice I’m wearing a suit?” “Yes”
MARIE ANTIONETTE: The peasants don’t have bread? Let them eat cake.
MY ANCESTOR, wiping cake and bread crumbs off his tunic: So, funny story, Queen…
Don’t tell me who to follow Twitter, I have many years of experience finding and building relationships with dangerous maniacs and I don’t need your amateur assistance.
My favorite part of the Bible is when God gives humans free will, then kills them with a flood because they didn’t act the way he wanted.
[trying something new]
Me: I might mess this up.
Friend: Believe in yourself.
Me (determined): I WILL mess this up.
5yo: dad, do you control your emotions or do your emotions control you?
Me: come on man it‘s the weekend
I just wish my ex husband could look down from Heaven and see me now. But no, he’s still alive.
According to my 5yo “food is not okay to eat if it’s been on the floor for 3 hours” so I guess it’s now the 3 hour rule