lost dog
You Might Also Like
Any time a car with its hazards on passes me, I panic thinking I’ve wandered into a funeral procession and now I have to lie to a dead stranger’s family.
interviewer: your resume says you lose focus easily
me: yes
interviewer: yes what
me: yes please
ME: “Hey, the 1980s called and they want their pants back”
STRANGER WHO IS SECRETLY A TIME COP: “They called?! That’s a level 3 violation!”
I’ll play duck-duck-goose and give all gooses. I don’t give a duck.
*at party*
Guy: Want to dance?
Me: I’m sorry but I cannot, in good conscience, leave this cheese ball unattended.
Optimus Regular will save us in 3-5 days and he’s a lot cheaper, i’m fine with that
Never heard of the diseases mani and pedi, but she says she needs a cure for them.
Got invited to a pool party tomorrow , time to dig out the ol’ leopard print Speedo
I’m “When I get a haircut I think she cuts more hair off my ears and eyebrows than my head” years old.
I keep my punching bag next to the fridge to let out my anger when there’s nothing to eat.
I had a lazy eye as a child and now the rest of my body has caught up.
Good Cop: Book ’em.
Illiterate Cop: I’ll just wait for the movie.
any doctors here? am I allowed to get a wax during my epidural? it’s genius and there’s a ton of time to kill anyhow
Perms are just rad skateparks for lice.
If the majority of twitter’s trending topics are any indication of the state of humanity thus far, we clearly need an asteroid intervention.
She’s a 10 which makes it hard for her to find decent shoes.
handsome customer: [pointing] that costume please.
clerk: sexy warlock. you got it.
me: same as him.
clerk: creepy male witch, comin’ up.
I got a haircut and grabbed some
shampoo at the checkout line.Her : “Do you want a bag ?”
Me : “OMG…is the haircut that bad ?”
Her :
Me: I’ll just put off this update that forces my phone to restart.
Me, driving and using Google maps: Oh no.
H: You look nice.
Me: I’m meeting one of my Twitter friends today.
H: So you want your picture on the evening news to be a nice one?
Me: Yep
“You there, yes you, what year is it? Is Kanye West still president?”
This forever.
Wind chimes prevent the air from sneaking up on you.
When I was a kid $100 was a lot of money. Just like it is now.
Last time I went trick or treating, a high school bully stole my candy. Later I heard he spent 10yrs in prison which is totally unbelievable because I didn’t press charges.
“What are you doing here?”
I just got fired from the circus
“Oh my”
Yeah, the calibration on my cannon was way off. I landed in your pond
Telling a woman to get back in the kitchen is a weird insult to lob on Twitter. We can still tweet from kitchens. We have wifi & data plans.
My jeans aren’t too small, they’re my compression pants.
“This custard-filled donut will be bought… by a murderer!”
-The Eclairvoyant
[First day as a superhero]
Oh hell yeah!
*sees a crime happening*
Already? Ok…
*the bad guy looks really mean*
Umm, I’ll get the next one