People who use the lift to go up one floor will be wiped out by natural selection
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It’s better to clear out your fridge before the leftovers grow green hair, become sentient, and attack the closest major population center.
Female spider: I give up. Every profile has a photo of them holding up the biggest bug they’ve caught.
Female spider 2: I wouldn’t worry about it. If the date is bad you can just eat him and the bug and move on.
Breaking into my enemies home and eating all their cheese.
me: *entering the ocean*
ocean: how about at least buying me dinner first?
Trying to watch what I eat again so I just ate an entire loaf of bread with half a jar of Nutella I’d say that’s a good start
Husband: Let’s try to spend a little less money this Christmas, ok?
Me: *dog sleeping in a custom manger. Ok.
I hope Obama spends the last 2 years of his term replying to all the tweets we’ve sent him.
I don’t get spin classes, you do know they make bikes that move now too?.. and you can ride to somewhere and get a beer or a sandwich… it’s way more rewarding.
[safely surrounded by a thousand miles of land]
Me: (whispering) more like shark weak
Me: How bout we head over to my place?
Her: Nope
Me: I have a dog…
Her: Get in I’ll drive
Shipwreck diary, Day 32,567: So, turns out I’m immortal.
If one more teenager uses the term ‘Back in the day’…I swear I’m gonna smack them with a floppy disk and choke them with my legwarmers.
“He sure seems like a nice young man” is Grandma-speak for “I’d totally hit that.”
I’ve noticed many of my friends are in The Grapefruit Window, which means they’re old enough to enjoy eating grapefruit but not yet on medication that prevents them from eating grapefruit.
[Fitbit commercial with me]
BEFORE: lazy guy
AFTER: lazy guy who had $129
doctor: god you’re unhealthy
me: we haven’t started the check-up
doctor: ya i just found your insta
Sneaking up behind people and marrying them
[pet shop]
ME: I’m looking for a dog that can talk
OWNER: Try this one
ME: [to dog] Can you talk?
DOG: No
ME: My search continues
What do you mean, I didn’t win? I ate more wet T-shirts than anyone else.
I asked my mom how her first date went with a guy she met on eharmony and she said “let’s just say we were physically compatible” and I said “let’s just say fine next time”
*putting fish sticks in a bowl
Anything can be cereal if you pour milk over it
Don’t let that “Metalica” t-shirt fool you. She knows every word to Miley Cyrus’ “Wrecking Ball”
My walk of shame is walking past the people I just said goodbye to because I went in the wrong direction and had to go back.
Open casket funeral? Remains to be seen.
There I was, quietly reliving my dream of having my own house, when suddenly I was attacked by insane prices.
I just want to be as strong as the bond between two five gallon buckets
Me, checking my to-do list before I had kids
🤣🤣🤣