[blood donor clinic]
dracula: can i order a pint please?
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“They say time is linear but it repeats itself. For example, I just got dumped again. Same girl. Were stuck on a loop, and when-”
*the man grating parmesan stops*
“No, that wasn’t a ‘when’ for you, keep going.”
“You should cook it like this more often.”
Me, panicked cried twice and burnt myself when cooking it: sure.
*jumps on a haystack
*lands on a needle
It’s Ash Wednesday so today I had fish for dinner.
OK, I had Goldfish for dinner. That still counts, right?
Accidentally opened Excel. Decided to roll with it and get my life together. See you all never.
I invited Jim for dinner
“Jim from church or Jim who travels everywhere by catapult?”
[Loud thud on the roof]
*sigh* “I’ll get the ladders”
🎶 Hey there Delilah… a thousand miles seems pretty far but they’ve got planes and trains and cars 🎶
Guy That Just Waked 500 Miles and 500 More: they have what
I just have to continue with these drinking jokes. I think they’re hilarious.😂
DR DOG: *gives kid patient a sucker*
MOM: what do u say
KID: thanks mr dog
DD: kid I didnt go to med school for 56 years to be called Mr Dog
Me: I can read on the toilet until my feet fall asleep
Job interviewer: …and a weakness?
Girl from school who refused to dance with me at elementary school disco: can I get some chicken Mcnuggets
Me: well look who’s come crawling back
Going to the beach the day after watching Jaws hits different.
I found my first grey pubic hair today, but I didn’t freak out; unlike everyone else in the Zoom meeting.
I’m not stealing anything, Mr Store Security Guy.
I’m just awkward.
How excited are you, on a scale from 1 to white woman who just found out that this dinner party has sangria?
My wife told me we had a Lent calendar.
So I asked her when we had to return it.
If by cleaning the house you mean did I light a scented candle then yes I cleaned the house
my favorite thing about Sesame Street is that everyone’s more concerned about Oscar being a grouch than the fact a vampire lives there
if my phone is so smart it should be able to tell i’m not trying to screenshot my alarm
When I first heard about it, I thought pickleball was some weird food at the state fair.
Think I’m just going to tackle the next man who holds the door open for me and put a ring on him. Like we’re married now buddy, congrats
Random woman in the store: What’s in your mom’s tummy?
5-year-old: A baby.
Woman: What kind of baby?
5-year-old: A human one.
Nailed it.
How close to the road does something have to be to assume it’s free to take, because that’s a really cool mailbox.
airline clerk: your bag is over 50 pounds so that’ll be an extra $25
me: yes, of course *checks high school physics notes* money reduces the impact of gravity on mass
I can’t afford a vehicle with wing doors, so I buy the Tupperware with lids which open that way.
I went for a gallon of milk, left with a patio umbrella, two mismatched flip flops, a 10 person raft, and forgot the damn milk …..
That is the Aldi’s experience
“I smell carrots. Do you smell carrots? ’cause I smell carrots…”
~ Snowmen.